Full Disclosure
by Anne Bensler
Summary: Story set at the beginning of season 13, episode 15. Olivia takes David home for the first time, only to find someone waiting for her outside her apartment. Just when she thought she was going to move on, she is faced with a difficult choice. Or is it?
1. Chapter 1

1.

 _Friday February 3, 2012_

He tells himself he waited too long. He has told himself this for several weeks, yet here he is. Outside her apartment. Waiting for her to come home.

He has no idea where she is tonight. She could be pulling another all nighter and he may be in for a long wait. But now that he's finally kicked himself in the ass, he's not going to chicken out. He's here and he will stay here until she gets home. No matter how long it takes.

It's been nine months. Well, eight months and 16 days, since he's seen her.

He's come a long way since then. He's made some tough decisions and he's righted some wrongs. But the biggest wrong in his life still needs to be dealt with. And that's why he's here tonight. To make it right. If she'll let him.

…

She feels a little lighter these days. It's nice to be out with someone who is interested in her. Not just in their cases but in _her_. They all had their doubts about the EADA at first but he really is one of the good guys. And good guys are hard to find so she's giving it a shot. It's about time she moved on after … how long has it been? Eight, nine months? It feels symbolic that enough time has gone by for a new life to be born. It's time to start over and leave the past in the past, since it doesn't look like it will be coming back. Like _he_ will be coming back. He didn't just take a break. She needs to stop looking at the door of the squad room, expecting him to walk in at any moment. It's been too long.

…

He hears her melodious laugh even before he sees them. There she is. Laughing. Radiant. Happy. With a man. She is heading for her apartment with a man. He doesn't know what he's supposed to feel now. Maybe he'd hoped that nothing about her would have changed. That she'd still be engrossed in her work without much of a social life at all. Maybe he'd hoped that she still missed him as much as he missed her. But she's happy and she's taking a man home with her. He _has_ waited too long. She has moved on. While he was getting his life back in order so he could come back to her, she has moved on without him.

It's too late.

…

She senses a presence even before she spots him, and when she sees that all too familiar outline leaning against the wall of her building in the dark street, she freezes momentarily. It can't be, she thinks but she already knows it's him. Of all the nights he'd had to show up, he just had to choose the exact moment she was ready to open up to another man.

The first thing she feels should have been anger, but it's not. She realizes that it's relief washing over her. Sheer relief that he is alive and well and hasn't forgotten her. Hasn't walked out of her life for good. But she chooses to override that feeling and allows her defensive reflexes to kick in.

"What's wrong Liv?" she hears David ask but she is completely focused on the figure in front of them. She hasn't even realized she stopped walking until David steps into her line of sight and grabs her shoulders.

"Liv! Say something," he urges, and when she focuses on his eyes, she sees nothing but concern in them. Hasn't he seen him? Could it be that she's only imagining things? That her long lost partner isn't standing in the shadows of the doorway to her building? She pushes David aside and sure enough, he's still there. Standing upright now, no longer leaning against the wall. He's standing tall, hands tucked in the pockets of his overcoat, and she can feel his eyes burning on her. David finally catches on and asks her,

"Who's that? You know him?"

…

Olivia barrels towards him with fire in her eyes and he braces himself for the inevitable. He has it coming so he will accept whatever she throws at him right now. When she reaches him, she pushes him back, both hands on his chest and all he can think is _finally_. He has missed her so much.

"You son of a bitch!" Olivia yells. "What's this? You finally show yourself again to fuck up my life just when I'm getting it back on track?"

She's in his face and he closes his eyes. He takes a deep breath and breathes out slowly. Wow. That therapist was right. It actually works. Now he just needs to say the right thing before she continues yelling at him.

"No," he says softly and when he opens his eyes, he can see the shock in hers. She was ready for a fight and he's not giving her one. He doesn't strike back.

"Then what?" she fires again. "What are you doing here? And why _now_!"

He smirks then. It's a reflex and he wants to kick himself immediately.

"Oh that's just peachy!" Olivia shouts, throwing her hands in the air and turning away from him. "Even now you wanna screw up my love life. Well, not this time, Elliot. Not this time! You're too late!"

She walks back over to her companion, who has been wise enough to keep his distance, and loops her arms through one of his. They whisper something to each other and the man gives him a warning glare when they walk past him.

"Liv," Elliot tries but she just holds up one hand to silence him.

…

She can't look at him and curses under her breath when the door won't open at once. Her hands are shaking and she wants to scream when David takes the key from her hand and unlocks the door effortlessly. His hand is on her back as he guides her into the building and makes sure the door is firmly closed behind them.

"Sorry 'bout that," she mumbles, but David rubs her back gently.

"Let's get you inside first," he says softly and she can't help thinking he's the sweetest man she's ever met.

They walk up the stairs silently and Olivia wonders what David must be thinking. He'll probably think Elliot is an ex who has decided he wants her back or something. She shakes her head. It's a lot more complicated than that. And it's not fair.

When they had emerged from the movie theatre earlier, David had been talking about disclosing their involvement. He's really serious about her and she feels … something for him. Aside from long talks it's only been kissing and cuddling so far but David makes her feel good. About herself and about life. His kindness and patience makes her feel like she matters, not just as a cop but as a person, and she can see herself coming home to him at night. He'd be caring and understanding and she would get to know his children. Maybe even have one of their own. She feels like a whole new world of possibilities is opening up to her.

It just isn't fair that Elliot chose _this_ night to crash into her life again. The first night she's asked David up to her place hoping he'd spend the night. He's been there once before but hadn't even asked if he could stay. He knows it's difficult for her to trust people and he's been doing everything right. It just isn't fair to him.

…

Outside, Elliot hesitates. He knows she's not going to let him in while this _man_ is with her. He hates the guy already because he's keeping him away from Olivia. If he hadn't been there, he knows they would have continued their fight inside. He doesn't mind her yelling. He knows he deserves it for completely ignoring her for nine months. He knows he could have at least let her know he was alright. Picked up the phone once. Or even sent her a text. It wouldn't have been difficult, but it had been for him. He'd been wading through quicksand and had to decide what to address first. Prioritize. First things first.

She should have been his first priority. She _was_ his first priority. That's why he's had to do things in the right order, and it's why he's had to do them without her. He should have let her know though. That's been his biggest mistake. He should have let her know he was working out some things and that he'd be back eventually. It would have made all the difference and he will accept her rage because he didn't do any of that.

He has to admit to himself that he hadn't expected her to be dating. During the last years of their partnership, they had settled into a routine that people might describe as an old married couple. He had his family of course, but she'd been married to the job. She'd even said that literally once. And the job included him so in a way, she'd been married to him too. And he had reveled in it and had told himself his life was perfect. Everyone that he loved was a part of his life. But it had been a lie. Yes, they were all part of his life, but they didn't all have the correct place in it. She, most of all, didn't have the correct place in his life. And it took a heart-wrenching trauma to make him see that things needed to change.  
Elliot sighed and crossed the street to get into his car. He wasn't leaving though. He'd stay here all night if he had to, until he could talk to her alone.

…

They had talked about ordering takeout but she knows they were both thinking about more. She has the entire weekend off, which is rare in itself, and she had wanted to spend it to get closer to David. He's ready to disclose. To commit to exploring a real relationship with her. But right now, she's sitting on the couch, her arms wrapped around herself, while David makes her a cup of tea to calm her down. This is not how their evening was supposed to go. Screw Elliot for ruining her night, she thinks.

"You want some rum in your tea?" David asks from her kitchen and she chuckles.

Maybe she does need some alcohol to calm her nerves, but she declines. David joins her on the couch and hands her a cup of steaming herb tea.

"I've already ordered the Chinese," he says and she smiles at him.

He's taking the unexpected turn of events very well.

"Now do you wanna tell me what that was?"

She sighs. She owes him an explanation but her thoughts are a jumbled mess. It would have been so much easier if Elliot had just been an ex. The fact that he's not but they are both acting as if he is, makes it such a mess. Bless David for helping her along when he asks her,

"When we first went out for drinks, you told me you were getting over something. Would that be him?"

She blows her tea, buying some time before having to answer. Her hands are still trembling but she can't deny that David has a calming effect on her. She doesn't want him to be caught in the middle here but she guesses he already is. And so she nods, admitting,

"In a way, yes."

"In a way?" David asks, raising his eyebrows. "What does that mean?"

He has no idea what he's asking, she thinks. Is she really ready to give words to all these unspoken truths and is she going to explain it to her _boyfriend_ of all people? She rests her head against the back of the couch and looks up at the ceiling.

"David … It's … it's complicated."

…

He looks up at her window but she's closed the drapes. That _man_ is in there with her. What will he do if the man doesn't come out? What if he spends the night with Olivia? He won't sleep on her couch, that's for sure. They were arm in arm when they walked up to him and no man in his right mind would pass up the opportunity to get closer to Olivia Benson.  
Well, no man except he himself of course. It has taken him years to pull his head out of his ass. He knows her well. They _were_ close, but not close enough. He _has_ spent the occasional night on her couch, because they were partners and friends. Nothing more. They were too principled for that. He'd never reduce Olivia to a mistress and Kathy didn't deserve to be cheated on. She's given their marriage her all, just like him. They've made the best of it and have five beautiful children to show for it.  
It's over now and they have found peace with that. They have no regrets about their marriage and they will always care about each other. They're more relaxed around each other now and sometimes he sees a glimpse of the girl in Kathy that he fell in love with all those years ago. They have become adults since then and the adults they have grown into don't match. They're friends now, without benefits. And it feel much, much better this way.

He's sorted out his marriage and his relationship with his kids. After being diagnosed with PTSD, he's been in therapy and he has confessed more to his therapist than just the trauma around the shooting at the precinct. He is using less medication now and keeps his drinking in check. He wants to be clear-headed again at last. He has to be, if he is going to hash things out with Olivia once and for all.  
He closes his eyes but when he thinks of another man's hands on Olivia's body, they snap open again. He needs to stay awake. He needs to see the man leave. He _has_ to see the man leave. He doesn't know what he'll do if the man stays all night.

…

"Try me. I'm a good listener."

Olivia shakes her head and puts her tea down on the coffee table.

"This was supposed to be our night, David," she says.

She kicks off her shoes and turns towards him, folding one leg underneath herself.

"I know. And I'm still here," he says.

He's too sweet.

"I really don't wanna talk about it," she tries, but David smiles sadly then.

"You know it'll be on your mind all night long anyway. Better get it out so maybe we can save some of our evening together."

He is still hoping, she thinks. Doesn't he know that Elliot has the capacity to wipe her mind completely blank and then fill it with thoughts of him and only him? David doesn't know. How could he? He deserves an explanation.

"He was my partner."

David's eyes lock with hers and she can almost hear him thinking, trying to connect the dots but deciding he doesn't have enough dots yet.

"Partner? On the job?"

"Yes."

"And?"

"What do you mean?"

"Were you involved with him?"

She laughs humorously. Define involved.

"No."

"I don't understand."

"I don't blame you."

She didn't even understand it herself. Or maybe she did, but she just didn't want to admit it.

"Liv …"

There is a silent plea in David's eyes. He really doesn't deserve any of this. Screw Elliot for turning up tonight, she thinks again. David was her first real shot at something that might have lasted. She's already using the past tense with him. It's best to just come clean. The least she can do for David now is be honest with him.

"I …"

She swallows hard and tries again.

"I had feelings for him. For a long time."

David takes the time to digest her words. He's an attorney. He knows how to read people and how to get to the bottom of things. She's trembling again. This is the first time she has admitted out loud that she had feelings for Elliot.

"Did he reciprocate those feelings?"

She closes her eyes. It's uncanny that David asks the one question that has held her heart captive for all those years. Sometimes she thought he was in love with her too. Sometimes she was sure of it. And other times, she could feel the resentment dripping from his words. She'd feel like excess baggage to him then. Yet another person to rely on him. So she had made it a point to remain independent. She didn't need him to protect her. She could take care of herself. She wouldn't be a burden to him. She'd take care of herself _and_ of him, like a good partner should. Sometimes she'd think he really needed her. Many times she had supported him and covered for him when personal matters got in the way on the job. And every time, he'd go back to his family. So in the end, she can't answer that question.

"I don't know."

David frowns and she can't blame him for not understanding.

"I told you it was complicated," she says, picking up her tea again.

"You never talked about it?"

She shakes her head.

"No."

Well, not really. ' _You and this job are all I've got anymore.' 'What about me?'_

"Why not?"

"We were partners."

"So?"

"And he's married."

…

He sees a delivery man walk up to the building and checks the time. It's past 9. A little late for dinner, but maybe they haven't eaten yet. He shakes his head. There is no telling who the food is for. Somehow he thinks it's for them though. Is she laughing again? Has she shaken off their sudden encounter already? Will she try to steal the man's egg rolls like she used to do with him? Will she let him feed her? Will she let him kiss the spicy sauce away that she always spills on her chin?

He's getting worked up again. He thought he had a better grasp on his emotions now, but he feels that all too familiar green-eyed monster rear its ugly head again. He has no right to be jealous of men spending time with Olivia. He's never had that right, and yet he always was jealous. He still is. It's the one thing she's called him out on immediately, as if he had planned to ruin her night with this man. He hadn't planned it. If he'd known she wouldn't be alone, he wouldn't have come tonight. Maybe he would have lost his nerve altogether. But now that he's here, he is staying put. No matter the outcome, this has to happen. He is staying until he can talk to her.

…

Their food arrives and Olivia welcomes the interruption. She has said too much already. She has lost her appetite but she smiles when David busies himself placing all the cartons on the coffee table.

"I'll get us something else to drink," she says, standing up.

She walks into the kitchen and opens the fridge.

"A beer okay?" she asks.

"Sure," David answers.

She grabs two bottles and uncaps them.

"You want a glass with that?" she inquires, and she's surprised when David is suddenly behind her and places his hands on her hips.

"It's already in glass," he says softly near her ear, and goosebumps break out on the skin of her neck and shoulder.

Olivia places the bottles on the kitchen counter and turns around to face David.

"I'm sorry this guy upset you so much," he says, and she can tell that he means it. "What can I do to make it better?"

She knows it isn't fair to David but she is still rattled and David Haden calms her. And so she stands on her toes and wraps her arms around his neck.

"Kiss me," she whispers, and David is only too happy to oblige.

He's a good kisser. He is very tender and, dare she say it, loving. But he doesn't sweep her off her feet and when she closes her eyes, she sees another face in stead of David's. She returns the kiss, deepening it, in search of passion to eradicate the intense feelings that resurfaced earlier this evening. David groans softly and pushes her into the kitchen counter. He pulls her closer to him and cups one of her cheeks with his hand as he continues to kiss her. Olivia feels her body start to respond to his touch and his proximity. He isn't eradicating her feelings. He is enhancing them. Maybe she can build on them and get it out of her system with David. Her hands drift down his back until she's cupping his ass and she presses herself against him.

Then, out of the blue, David breaks off the kiss and looks into her eyes.

"Liv," he says urgently.

He isn't moving away from her but she can tell he is going to.

"Don't stop," she says and she can hear her own voice breaking.

She's pathetic. She is using the man in her apartment to get rid of her unwanted feelings for the man outside, and they both know it.

"Not like this Liv," David says, his voice hoarse with emotion. Or is it arousal?

She drops her head forward and rests her forehead against his shoulder.

"I'm sorry," she whispers, and she wants to cry.

It's all just too much for one night. She and David were going to take the next step in their relationship and Elliot just had to fuck it up. It's too much and she is not handling it well. Thank goodness David is a level-headed man. He won't take advantage of her like this. Her stomach drops when she realizes he isn't going to sleep with her at all tonight. He may have his needs, but he has his pride too.

"It's alright," David whispers back, holding her close to his chest. "I'm not going anywhere."

She lifts her head then to look at him, to understand what he does and doesn't mean, and he smiles sadly.

"I mean, I'm not walking out on us. I still wanna see where this may go."

She nods and swallows. He still deserves a chance. He is too sweet not to get a fair chance.

"Me too," she says.

David leans in and kisses her softly on the lips.

"That's settled then."

They stand together in her kitchen for a long minute, their arms wrapped around each other and each caught up in their own thoughts. Then David kisses the top of Olivia's head and says,

"Let's eat."

…

 **To be continued.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you all for the great reception of this new story! I love getting those reviews!**

 **For those following my other story: Yes, I am working on the next chapter of Timeless too. It will be here shortly. Meanwhile, enjoy chapter two of this one.**

...

2.

They eat quietly and Olivia has to admit the food tastes better than she had expected, and she eats more than she'd thought. Her thoughts drift to Elliot regularly and she wonders if he's hung around after she and David had gone inside. Her stomach clenches when she realizes he may still be out there. In fact, it's very likely that he's still out there. Letting things go has never been one of his strong suits. Now that the first shock of seeing him again is wearing off, she can't help being curious why he's decided to come over. She's accused him of deliberately ruining her evening with David but she knows that nonsense. She could tell he was shocked to see her with a man. It's just a very unfortunate coincidence.

She glances at her companion and finds him staring at her. She forces a smile but he doesn't smile back at her. She raises her eyebrows and it's as if David comes out of a trance. He looks at her more attentively then and swallows his last bite of food before leaning back on the couch and asking her,

"You still love him, don't you?"

And just like that, she tenses up again. David doesn't even wait for her answer.

"That's what I thought."

When she realizes he is getting up, possibly to leave, she jumps up and grabs his arm.

"David … don't go."

His shoulders sag and he sighs before turning to face her.

"I thought we had a good thing going here, Liv," he says dejectedly.

"We did. We do!" she insists.

"I've been watching you over dinner, Olivia," David says, and she doesn't like it that he's using her full name now.

"And what did you see?" she asks, even if maybe she doesn't want to hear his answer.

"It was like you weren't even here," he tells her. "You were off in a different world. A world I'm no part of."

"I was just a little shocked to see him after all this time," Olivia defends herself.

"After how much time?"

"About nine months."

David purses his lips and nods.

"What?" she asks him, moving closer to him and taking his hands in hers.

"I was ready for something new just six months after my divorce. And we'd been married for eight years. Together for ten."

There is no accusation in his tone, he's just making a point. But the comparison doesn't fly. Not in her case.

"David. I never got to divorce my partner. He just vanished one day. I never saw it coming. I didn't have any say in the matter and I never got any closure."

He's listening now and pulls one of his hands out of her grasp to lift it to her face. He moves a stray strand of hair away from her forehead and then caresses her cheek with the back of his fingers.

"Do you think I'll still have a chance after you get your closure?"

She doesn't know what to say to that. She really likes David and she can see herself be happy with him. He is kind and sweet and honest. He's passionate about getting justice and he's good company. There really isn't anything wrong with him.

The word 'boring' is trying to work its way into her mind but she pushes it away. David isn't boring. He's just … sweet. Caring. Attentive. _Boring_.

She has a mind to run outside, find Elliot and punch him. It's Elliot's voice she's hearing when she thinks the word boring and he's wrong. He's just fucking wrong and he has no business judging her boyfriend. She'll show him, she thinks, abandoning all logic because naturally, Elliot's isn't even there to see anything. She wraps a hand around David's neck and pulls him down so she can kiss him.

David groans and she knows she has power over him. She kisses him more urgently, desperate to prove to him as well as herself that she _does_ have feelings for him. She can feel David caving then and she moans when his hands start roaming her body. She pulls him along with her until they land on the couch together and David catches his own weight on his arms just in time. But Olivia pulls him down again, wanting to feel his weight on her. She closes her eyes when he starts making a trail of kisses down her jaw and her neck and her breathing quickens. Two steel-blue eyes stare at her and her eyes snap open again. She grabs David's sweater and starts tugging it up, but once again, David stops her.

"Olivia."

She groans, completely frustrated with the man. She wants to prove to him that she still wants him but he just won't let her. He is still on top of her, his sweater bunched up just below his armpits, and Olivia drops her arms next to her body in frustration.

"As much as I want to strip you naked and have my way with you …."

 _See! Not boring!_

"I can tell that I'm not the only man on your mind."

 _Fuck._

"David, please," she says and she wants to kick herself for begging for it.

"This isn't you, Liv. I've never seen you act like this."

He's right of course. She's been very reserved so far. Hesitant and scared to let another man in, for fear of being let down once more. She's even told him earlier in the evening that she isn't sure if she's ready to disclose yet. This isn't her. It's her in a frantic state of denial and David Haden is no fool.

He gets up from the couch then and she feels ashamed. He doesn't walk away from her though. He isn't like that. He won't leave her hanging, he won't shame her. He takes her hand and pulls her up and against his chest. He holds her there and she feels like crying again. Not only for herself but for him as well.

"I'm sorry," she chokes out.

David just caresses her hair and she wonders if he thinks they're over now. She doesn't want them to be. She was just getting used to having him around. And Elliot shouldn't still have such an impact on her. She doesn't know what to say or do now, and she finds it strangely comforting to know that she doesn't have to decide. David will know what to do.

He holds her for a minute and then pulls back so he can look at her.

"I think I should leave so you can think things over and talk to him."

That's not what she wants to hear and she shakes her head.

"No. I don't want you to leave."

"Olivia …"

She knows he's right. She can't blame him for wanting to go but she needs him right now to shield her from Elliot. Or from her own feelings for Elliot.

"You could sleep on the couch," she blurts out and now David is confused.

"Why would I want to sleep on your couch, Liv?"

She looks down and shakes her head. She needs to snap out of it. She's being pathetic.

"No. No, of course you wouldn't want that. I … forget I said that."

She moves away from David and walks over to the window. She pulls one of the drapes aside a little and looks at the street below. She knows what she's looking for, even if she won't admit it to herself. David comes up behind her once more and looks over her shoulder as her eyes move from one parked car to the next.

"You think he's still here," David says, and it isn't a question so she doesn't answer him. "That's why you want me to stay."

Again, it's not a question, but she can hear hurt in his voice. Before she can look at him, he moves away from her, walking to the coat rack in a straight line and grabbing his jacket.

"I don't play games, Olivia," he says gravely.

She hurries over to him. She doesn't want him to leave like this.

"David …"

He puts on his brown leather jacket and zips it up.

"You know, men can feel used too, Olivia. I thought you of all people would know that."

Of course she knows that. Of course she knows that men can feel taken advantage of just as much as women. And she is ashamed once again how she is allowing her reaction to seeing Elliot screw her up.

"You're right," she says immediately, stepping closer to him, but David avoids eye contact.

"Let me know when you've made up your mind," he says tersely. "Goodnight, Olivia."

He gives her one last sad but determined look before he turns around and walks out of her apartment. Olivia knows there is no point in going after him and she closes the door. She leans back against the door and runs a hand through her hair. Then, she sinks to the floor and closes her eyes.

David is right and they both know it. She has some serious thinking to do.

...

Two glasses of wine and a hot shower later, Olivia thinks she may be able to sleep. She knows she's on edge. If Elliot is still out there, he must have seen David leave. But wouldn't he have been pounding on her door by now if he had? Maybe he left. She isn't sure. She doesn't know what he drives these days and it's too dark to see if there is a person in any of the parked cars across the street.

She is still not over how Elliot has wrecked her evening. She and David had been talking about going slow, taking the pressure off, but she hadn't invited him up to her place to take a step back. On the contrary. It's been a while since she's shared a bed with anyone and David is the kindest, most dependable man she has met in a long time. And while he isn't a typical Alpha male, she has seen his passionate side when it comes to getting justice for victims of crimes. She thinks they'd be good together and she knows he wants more from her than just an affair.

Elliot on the other hand … his brooding intensity is a turn-on in itself. She's prided herself in never once giving in to the urge to touch him but it hasn't always been easy. The few times they have held each other were due to life-threatening circumstances, aside from that one hug at the hospital maybe. But that had been an intense situation of a different order. She wants to think Elliot wasn't just thanking her for saving the lives of his wife and son, but that he also hugged her because he was so relieved that _she_ was okay. He'd thrown her off completely when he pulled her into his arms, and she had wanted to cry, knowing that the man she was holding, wasn't hers to hold and never would be. This baby, his fifth child, conceived while he and Kathy had been separated, had sealed the deal. Elliot never walked away from his responsibility so he wasn't going to start then.

And now he's here and she doesn't know why.

Several reasons come to mind but she can't know for sure which one it is until they talk. David is right. She needs closure, one way or the other, so she will need to talk to Elliot. Get the answers she needs. To know why he's abandoned her without a word. If he's just come to apologize, she will make him grovel. If he's come for another reason … she can't think that far ahead. She is confused enough about her own reaction as it is. When she finally dozes off, she knows that she is still more relieved than angry to see him again. And that is just as pathetic as it is telling.

…

Elliot jolts awake at the sound of someone knocking on the passenger window. He blinks a few times and tries to open his eyes wider to see who it is that is disturbing him. The officer makes a gesture for him to roll down the window. He blows out a breath, still feeling a bit disoriented, and then reaches for his key that is still in the ignition. He'll need to turn it a notch so the electrical window will work. The officer waits patiently until he can talk to him through the window.

"Everything alright, sir?" the younger man asks, taking a hold of the car door.

He wishes he could simply flash his badge and say he's on the job, but those days are behind him. So what's his excuse for sitting out here in his car at … what time is it … 4AM?

"Yeah. Yeah. I'm fine. Just needed a nap. Too tired to drive. Didn't want to cause an accident."

He can tell the officer isn't really buying his line so he has to play another card.

"Look, I know I'm not supposed to sleep in my car. I used to be NYPD. I'll move if I have to."

The officer takes a better look at him but Elliot already knows it's highly unlikely that they've met before.

"When a civilian is on a stakeout, we call it stalking," the man says pointedly and Elliot knows the officer is on to him. He isn't going to admit why he's really there though, so he starts his car.

"I'm not on a stakeout. I'll get out of your way," he says.

Before he can drive off, the officer asks him,

"Where you headed?"

"Queens," he answers automatically.

The officer looks at him for a few long seconds and then nods, removing his hand from the car. Elliot has no choice but to leave his spot in front of Olivia's building and checks his rear view mirror to see which way the officer is headed. He can't believe he's slept for hours in his car, and his back as well as his head are killing him. Just before he makes a turn, leaving West 89th street, he sees the officer walk away in the opposite direction while answering a phone call. He debates whether he should simply circle the block and park again, but by now there is no way to tell if the man is still in Olivia's apartment or not. There is no point in staking the place out any longer since he's been asleep for so long. And yet, he wants to be there when Olivia comes outside. Not only to see whether she'll be alone, but also to let her know he still wants to talk to her. So after driving around the block slowly once and determining that the officer and his partner aren't there anymore, Elliot chooses a different spot to park and tries to make sure he doesn't fall asleep again. He can't fall asleep again.

It's already light when he wakes up again. He scrubs his hands down his face and rubs his eyes. He blows out a breath, frustrated with himself for falling asleep again. He isn't sure what has woken him up this time, until he looks straight ahead. His stomach drops. It's Olivia. She is standing there, looking at him, defiantly beautiful and beautifully defiant, her hands on her hips, although she has probably just knocked on the hood of his car to wake him up. It's as if he can hear the sound in retrospect now. Before he can even react to her presence, she walks to the passenger side of the car and grabs the door handle. He can't unlock the doors fast enough. He is instantly wide awake.

…

After a restless night, Olivia is up and about early. After feeling torn for hours about her evening with David, how it did and didn't turn out, the things she has admitted to him as well as the things he has said to her, she has reached a conclusion. She does need closure. It's the only way she can move forward with David. However, it may also be a way to lose him completely because Elliot still affects her in ways he shouldn't. Not when she's trying to build something new with another man. But it's the risk she will have to take, or she will remain in limbo forever. So as she strolls outside after forcing herself to drink some juice, she tells herself she is doing this for _her_ above anyone else. She doesn't just _need_ answers from Elliot. She deserves them. And somehow she knows that he is still in her street. It's just a matter of checking all the parked cars until she finds him. He is parked further away than she had expected.

Her stomach clenches when she sees him. His head is tilted back and has dropped to the side, so it's leaning against the car window on the driver's side. His mouth hangs slightly open and she flashes back to all the times she has seen him exactly like this. She remembers waking him up when they took turns sleeping during a long stakeout in their car and she remembers having to tell herself not to stroke his cheek. Her fingers itch at the sight of him and the painful familiarity of his sleeping face.

He has stayed here all night for her. Because of her. Because he wants to see _her_.

No matter how angry she's been at him for abandoning her without a word, she knows that the anger is just an outlet for her pain. Losing Elliot had been like a knife cutting her soul in half. She'd been devastated. And she had hated him for leaving her, because he was the only one who really understood how utterly alone she was, because people kept leaving her. It seemed impossible that Elliot of all people would do the exact same thing to her. And yet he did. Not a single sign of life for almost nine months.

But here he is. Alive and well and sleeping in his car because he refuses to leave until he has talked to her. Part of her wishes she didn't know him so well, so she wouldn't have gone out looking for him. Maybe it would feel like he deserves to sit out here all day without ever knowing if she's even home or not. She contemplates leaving without waking him up but remembers why she went looking for him in the first place. He owes her. He owes her an answer so she can put their partnership behind her once and for all, and get on with her life.

And so she walks to the front of the car and slams her hand down on the hood, hard. It's all it takes to wake him up.

…

She pulls the door open, gets into the car without a word and slams the door shut. Elliot's heart is racing after the way he's woken up and he takes a deep breath. When he looks at her, her brown eyes are focused on his face.

"Liv …" he croaks out.

His mouth is dry and he thinks there's dried saliva in the left corner of his mouth. He licks his lips, wipes his mouth with his hand quickly and tries again.

"How … how did you know I'd still be here?"

She shrugs and he swallows hard. Seeing her next to him in the car is achingly familiar and the way she is trying to seem detached is as well.

"You wanted to talk to me? So talk," she says and her voice is flat, devoid of emotion.

He knows her though, and he can see that she is feeling anything but flat and devoid of emotion. The way she pulls her shoulders up and the way she clenches her jaw. The way she keeps her hands deliberately still in her lap. The way she's staring straight ahead now while her facial muscles twitch nervously. It's as clear as day to him how tense she is and, as a result, how dangerously close she is to another outburst like last night's. One wrong word and he's in for a fight. He knows it's almost inevitable because what _are_ the right words in this situation?

He's rehearsed in his head numerous times what he'd want to say to her, but now that he is suddenly faced with her after waking up just a minute earlier, he is drawing blanks. All he knows is that he owes her an apology so that's what he starts out with.

"I'm sorry."

She turns her head to look at him instantly and he can see fire in her eyes. Has he made a mistake already?

"That's it?" she throws at him and he remembers to take a deep breath and wait before firing back. Think first, then speak.

"Of course that's not it but … it's the first thing I want you to know."

"What's the second?"

Think first. Then speak.

"I'm sorry for letting you think I was leaving you for good."

She swallows and stares at him and he knows he has to keep talking.

"I never planned any of it."

She doesn't even blink.

"I … I meant to contact you sooner."

She blinks then, twice.

"There's no excuse for not answering your calls … I know that."

She swallows again and looks away. He sees her hands twitch and she places them on her thighs, palms down, to still them. He knows he is affecting her but he's still bracing himself for her wrath. She won't show him her pain. She'll only let it out through anger. He thought he was prepared to face her but her quiet yet tense response is killing him.

"I couldn't go back there Liv," he says softly and she frowns then, biting her lip. He knows she feels his pain over the decision to leave the squad. The job. _Her_.

He has to say it. There is no way around it. His voice trembles when he tells her,

"I just couldn't stay away from _you_ any longer. I missed you Liv."

He barely registers her reaction before she's out of the car. She squeezes her eyes shut, chokes back a sob and then throws the car door open. He quickly does the same, jumps out of the car and rounds it to join her on the sidewalk. Olivia is leaning against the side of car, her hands on the roof, taking deep breaths. His first instinct is to put an hand on her back but he knows better than to touch her right now. He had expected her to have a violent reaction to him but this isn't what he thought she would do. She is visibly shaking and he doesn't know what to do.

A woman in her sixties passing them seems to pull Olivia out of her shock when she asks them with a thick Harlem accent,

"Is everything alright here?"

Olivia whips around and stares at the woman for a second. Her gaze shifts to him then and her words sound almost robotic when she tells the woman,

"Yes. Yes, everything is fine."

"Are you sure? You seem a little pale, honey," the woman insists, taking a step closer so she is standing between Elliot and Olivia.

Does she really think Olivia needs to be protected from him? He can't believe how far they have drifted apart. _He_ is supposed to be the one protecting _her_.

"She said she's fine," he says, also stepping closer to Olivia, but the woman isn't easily deterred.

"I know what she said, young man," the woman says while looking at him up and down. "But she don't look fine to me. Neither do you, by the way. This be a lover's quarrel? Do I need to call the police?"

"No ma'am, that won't be necessary," Elliot says as politely as he can manage.

"We _are_ the police," Olivia adds and seeing how she is calming down, Elliot is now grateful for the interruption of the concerned citizen.

"Really?" the woman questions, folding her arms in front of her chest.

"Yes. Really," Olivia replies, forcing a small smile. "It's just been a long night and we haven't eaten."

The woman has no choice but to withdraw but she gives Elliot one last warning glare before she is on her way.

"Get your girl something to eat then. Officer."

Elliot grins then and after making sure the woman is out of earshot, he looks at Olivia again. She has recomposed herself and stuffs her hands in her jeans pockets. Elliot makes an inviting gesture.

"I could go for a bite," he says, trying to lighten the mood a little.

Olivia seems confused for a moment and he realizes that he's forgotten one little detail.

"Or is your friend waiting for you at home?"

…

 **Hmm. That may not be the smartest thing to ask right now, El. To be continued.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Happy birthday to me! And here's my birthday gift to you. Enjoy!**

...

3.

He doesn't know David has left.

It's the one thing she clings to right now. Elliot's words have hit her a lot harder than she'd expected. How dare he be so sincere? How dare he say exactly the right things? The exact things she needed to hear? How dare he take all the blame like he should? How dare he talk about missing her … She had to get out of the car to be able to keep breathing. Missing him had been suffocating and knowing, _seeing_ that he's missed her too, is too much. She can continue to blame him for staying away but they are both hurting. The lady butting in has given her a brief reprieve but the emotions are bubbling back up to the surface now.

But he doesn't know David has left.

She can use that to her advantage, to get the upper hand in the conversation instead of spiraling out of control again.

"My _friend_ doesn't appreciate stalkers very much," she says, ignoring Elliot's question about his whereabouts for now.

"You knew I was here the whole time," Elliot fires back.

They both know he's right. She could have confronted him last night. Her friend could have sent him packing.

"I didn't want to ruin what was left of our night."

She knows she's being mean now, making Elliot think she's had a romantic night with David. She just isn't one to fall into his arms and take him back without a fight. She doesn't even know what he wants from her. What it is about her exactly that he's missed.

Elliot nods and clenches his jaw. She knows she's hit a nerve. She wants to see his reaction. Is he still the jealous asshole he used to be? To his credit, Elliot is taking his time before responding. It looks like he is doing some kind of breathing exercise.

…

"Did you have a nice evening?"

He can barely say the words but he knows he can't ridicule her relationship with this man right now. He doesn't know who it is or how long she's been seeing him. One sure way to lose her even before he's tried to mend fences with her, would be to question her relationship.

Her eyes dim and he knows her too well. No matter what she says next, he already _knows_ she didn't have a nice evening.

"Oh yes," she says without looking at him. "David and I have been together for a while."

He doesn't understand why she's lying to him, unless she's afraid he'll get too close if she doesn't put up some kind of barrier. And that is actually a good sign, he decides. He will need to tread lightly though.

"Good for you," he says neutrally and that gets her attention instantly. Her eyes flick back up to his and he takes a step closer to her, leaving about three feet between them. Olivia is still leaning against his car, her arms crossed in front of her chest. She stares at him as if she's waiting for the punch line, but he doesn't have one. Instead, he repeats what he's already told her in the car. It's the one thing he wants her to know. The one thing that has kept him out here all night long.

"I _have_ missed you, Liv."

She swallows hard and nods. Then she whispers,

"I've missed you too."

…

She wants to grab him and shake him and ask him why the hell he had to leave without a word. Why he had to take her heart along with him. Why he had to stomp on it, _knowing_ he is the only man she's ever trusted. Really trusted. Opening up to him has cost her dearly and she isn't sure she will ever be able to open up to anyone like that again. Not that she's told him very much about her struggles over the years, but Elliot just _got_ her. She didn't always need to say it. He'd just understand and they'd confirm and support each other. That's what she misses the most. Having that someone in her life who _gets_ her, and allows her to get him in return.

She knows David is trying, and he gets her fear of opening up, only to be disappointed again. Knowing that he understands this has helped her relax around him, little by little. He calms her and makes her feel like there's a place for her in the world. Like there's a place for her in his life.

With Elliot, things have always been intense. It's the nature of the job, but it's also _their_ nature. They fuel each other, even now. Elliot stares at her after her admission that she's missed him too, and she can see the emotion in his blue eyes. She can almost feel him containing himself, keeping himself from stepping into her personal space and … and what? Touch her? Hold her? Kiss her? The mere thought makes her cheeks flush.

He notices, of course. She braces herself for a cocky remark. She's told him she's missed him and now she's blushing. Cue Elliot the Alpha male. She wraps her arms more tightly around herself and watches him. She isn't prepared for his reaction. It's nothing like she had expected. His chin is trembling and he looks away briefly. He expels a shaky breath and asks her softly,

"Can we start over?"

His visible pain hits her like a ton of bricks and she wants to step into _his_ personal space now, to hold him close to her and never let go. But she's frozen in place and tries to gather her thoughts. Her heart is racing a mile a minute.

He left her. They were never involved. She has a boyfriend. He has a wife … _shit_. He has a wife. She takes another deep breath, struggling to fill her lungs before she speaks again.

"Start over with what? Being partners? Friends? What do you want from me?"

Elliot looks at her and he suddenly looks so tired.

"What I've always wanted, Liv. Even when I shouldn't have."

He can't possibly mean what she thinks he means. What it sounds like. She has a boyfriend. He has a wife.

"What?" she asks, and her voice is barely more than a whisper.

And then he is in her personal space. Their faces are mere inches apart when he rasps,

"You."

…

Olivia recoils instantly. She can't back away from him because she's still backed up against his car, but he can see her pull away mentally. He should take a step back, but now that he's so close to her that he can smell her, he doesn't want to. She smells of vanilla shampoo and orange juice and he wants to close his eyes and bury his nose in her hair.

They've never touched unless it was necessary but that doesn't mean it was easy for him. And now that he is finally free to love her, no longer held back by his marital status, she is the one in a relationship.  
He doesn't believe it's a fulfilling relationship for Olivia, simply because he knows she doesn't open up. Or maybe he doesn't want to believe that she would build something with someone other than him. Maybe he had just hoped he could reclaim the place he used to have in her life. But he has no right. He left. And she wasn't obligated to keep his seat free, especially since he's never bothered to tell her he'd be back one day.

After a few long moments, he takes a small step back. He can see the relief in her features. She hasn't moved a muscle, except for her facial muscles, that are still twitching nervously. Now that she has room to breathe, she finds her voice again. It's low and eerily calm when she tells him,

"Well, like I said last night, Elliot. You're too late."

"Bull."

The word leaves his lips before he can stop it and he recognizes his mistake instantly. Olivia moves at last, uncrossing her arms and placing her palms against his chest before shoving him away from her.

"Screw you, Elliot Stabler."

…

Who does he think he is, dismissing her new relationship like that? Who does he think he is, telling her exactly what she wants to hear? That he wants _her_? And who does he think he is, expecting her to want him back? And why does he have to be right on all counts?

She doesn't want to know and she doesn't want to acknowledge any of it. Not here. Not now. Not like this. She turns to leave and go back to her apartment. She can't do this with him. It's not fair. First he wins her heart. Then he leaves. And just when she's finally starting to cope and finds another man to love, he comes back a changed man, ready to confess his feelings for her? Who does that? And how desperate does she need to be to let him play her like this?

She stalks back to her building, ignoring everything and everyone around her. She doesn't hear his car doors slam shut and she doesn't hear him lock his car. She doesn't hear him jog after her and she doesn't notice him standing behind her inside her building until he says her name.

"Olivia."

She whips around and stares up at him. He's impossibly close to her but she isn't going to back away.

"Tell me you love him and I will never bother you again."

Her lips part and she blinks a few times. She has to tell herself to keep breathing. His words echo in her mind and she knows she has just lost the fight. When she doesn't say anything, she can see in his eyes that he knows it too. There's that cocky bastard she'd been expecting.

Her mind is rambling. He can't do this to me. It's not fair. I haven't had time to find out if David and I are compatible.

Her heart is responding. He came back for me. He wants me. He loves me.

Her body is humming with anticipation. Aching. Wanting. Expecting.

And then Elliot literally takes her breath away when he places his hands on her cheeks and kisses her.

…

She freezes for a moment and then sinks into him. He's reeling. He is kissing Olivia Benson. He fired off that question as a last ditch effort to make her stop and think. Kissing her to drive his point home is just the most logical next step, and he is going for it. Her lips are soft and sweet and when he nips at her upper lip, they part and she's kissing him back, her hands on his hips. He sways, feeling lightheaded but he is fused to her. He sucks her lower lip between his and runs his tongue along it. Olivia moans and his body responds to the sound. He drops one hand from her cheek and wraps his arm around her waist, pulling her close as they deepen the kiss. Their tongues tangle. Once. Twice. Three times. She is kissing him as passionately as he is kissing her. And then it's over. Olivia pushes against his chest with both hands once again and he stumbles back. So does she and they are both breathing heavily. Olivia glares at him and he can see that the confusion and want in her eyes is quickly replaced by anger. Her loyal friend.

"What the hell, Elliot?!" she says, raising her voice, as if she hadn't been a willing participant just two seconds earlier.

She backs away further, in the direction of the elevator and he can see that it's not just anger but panic that makes her pull away. He has no choice but to let her go but that kiss … she must have felt it. She must have felt the same thing he felt. They may have been able to live in denial before, but not after that kiss. He knows it's the kiss of death for their partnership as well as their friendship. He has put everything on the line for the one thing he wants. To be allowed to love her.

The doors of the elevator open as soon as she pushes the button. He has seconds left before he has to leave it all up to her. And so he repeats what he's said before.

"Tell me you love him and I will never bother you again."

He sees her grab the bar inside the elevator for support and he wants to rush in after her. He wants to hold her until she gives in to the inevitable. But he knows he needs to let her go for now. She has heard his question loud and clear and she still hasn't told him she loves that other man.

The elevator doors close and Elliot closes his eyes. He sends up a silent prayer that Olivia will be honest with herself for once.

…

She had to know what it's like. That's what she keeps telling herself on the ride up to her floor. That's the only reason she hadn't slapped Elliot across the face the instant he touched her. She feels like she is being forced to make a choice: jump into all the new possibilities that a life with David will open up for her, or go back to her problematic past and work things out with Elliot. On the surface that should be such an easy choice. It's been nine months. It's a new life. And she was happy about it less than twelve hours ago. But Elliot has rocked her to the core.

He's kissed her.

There is nothing veiled about his intentions at all. He wants her. All of her. She hasn't asked him about his wife, and she knows she doesn't have to. He wouldn't be here if he was still married. And he most definitely wouldn't have kissed her. She had tried to use that old reflex, to continue to see him as a married man, but it isn't working. Not by a long shot. And apparently, the fact that she is seeing someone hasn't kept her from kissing him back.

She frowns. The fact that she is seeing someone hasn't kept _him_ from kissing her either. And that's disrespectful. She has never, ever tried anything with him out of respect for his marriage. Anger overrides all the other confusion emotions once more and she swears under her breath when the elevator doors slide open.

It's not fair. That's what she keeps thinking. It's not fair to David. It's not fair to her. And it's not fair that she can still feel the effects of that one kiss in her entire body.

Olivia quickly goes back into her apartment and closes and bolts the door behind her. Then, she leans against it with her palms and her forehead. She thinks the only reason Elliot isn't following her up is, that he isn't sure if David is still at her place. Or maybe he thinks he's made his point already … damn him for being so sure of himself all of a sudden. Her mind is battling against her body right now and she does her best to ignore the quiet thrum of her heart. It keeps interrupting her reasoning anyway.

It's not fair to David.  
God, I want him to kiss me again.  
He came back for me.  
It's not fair to David.  
Just breathe.  
He wants me.  
He can't do this to me after all this time.  
Is he still here?  
He loves me …

…

Elliot knows he can't follow Olivia up right now. He's put all his cards on the table and now all he can do is wait for her. He finds her mailbox and drops his card in it with his new address and cell phone number. Then he walks back to his car slowly. He needs some time to digest what has just happened. What he was able to say and how she's responded. That look in her eyes when he asked her if she'd had a nice evening was so telling … It is the only reason he's dared to kiss her at all. He definitely hadn't planned to kiss her the first time the would speak again. It's an enormous boundary to cross between them and even if it had been a split-second decision, he isn't taking it lightly. And her reaction … God, her reaction! He is still feeling the effects of that kiss in his body. If she had softened for a second that wouldn't necessarily have meant anything but it had been a lot more than a second … she was as much the initiator as he had been when their tongues found each other. Just thinking about that feeling makes his heart flutter again. He has to trust that she's felt it too, and is just as affected as he is.

They've been through so much together and he had expected them to talk. Nothing more. But he had challenged her relationship with this _David_ , and she had pulled away so fast that kissing her had seemed like the only thing left to do. She wasn't going to listen to anything he had to say and would have found a way to avoid answering the question he'd asked her.

She doesn't love that man. He has no idea how long they have been involved, but it's crystal clear to him that she doesn't love him. He will just have to trust Olivia to reach the same conclusion on her own.

He sighs when he gets into his car once more. He's going to go home and shower, and try to relax while he waits. He doesn't have a clue for how long. It's Olivia after all. It's out of his hands now and he doesn't like it. He doesn't like it at all. But there is nothing more he can do until she gets back to him.

…

 **To be continued ...**


	4. Chapter 4

4.

She can't seem to relax. She's glanced down the street several times but Elliot's car is really gone. He has left. It makes her feel more empty than she had expected and she hates him for it. Just when she was getting used to being without him, he comes along and makes her miss him all over again. Olivia kicks against her couch and hurts her toe. She plops down in her only single armchair and grabs her foot, rubbing the injured little toe. She feels like crying a little and it's not just because her toe hurts. This weekend was supposed to be about getting to know David better and finding out if they'd work out together. Not about being kissed by Elliot and hearing him confess that he wants her. Not about choosing between both men. She doesn't know how often she's thought now that it's not fair. And now she has nothing to do. She had hoped to be waking up in David's arms, having breakfast in bed and staying there for a while. To really enjoy her time off and feel close to someone again.

Instead, she's sitting here, steaming and angry and confused. And David is probably home alone as well, wondering if he even stands a chance against the man she's been trying to get over. You still love him, he told her and she didn't correct him. She knows it's true but not because she wants to. She never _wanted_ to love him. It just happened. She hears about people falling in and out of love all the time, but she wonders if she'll ever be able to get Elliot out of her system completely. But she has to try, even if it's just for David's sake. He's been so good to her, so patient and sweet.

After her toe has stopped throbbing, Olivia gets up and walks into her bedroom to find a nice dress. She is going to dress up, apply some makeup and then she's going to David's place to see what they can salvage of their weekend. He has told her to let him know once she's made up her mind, so she doesn't know if he wants to see her already, but she's going anyway.

…

Elliot has gotten all his groceries for the weekend. He has taken a shower, eaten something, cleaned his bathroom and changed his bedding. Now he's off to the laundromat around the block of his modest West New York apartment to do his laundry. He needs to stay busy or he'll just want to call Olivia. Or worse, go to her place again.

Now that he's seen her, he can't think of anything else. He's kissed her! From time to time he wants to kick himself. Why did he have to kiss her? But other times, he remembers the feeling of her body pressed against his and her lips fused to his, their tongues tangling, and he groans in frustration. She _must_ have felt how special it had been. She must have known how awesome they would be. Their chemistry has always been off the charts. No way in hell that other guy can do to her what he can.

He has a mind to go and find this David and tell him to back off, but he doesn't know who it is. There is something vaguely familiar about him, but he doesn't really recall meeting him before. Still, he thinks the man has something to do with law enforcement. Of course, Olivia would know him through work. Her job is her life. Always has been. That's why he was so surprised to hear her laughing and having fun off the clock. Maybe he should have left and let her enjoy herself for once. Lord knows she deserves some laughter in her life. Maybe he should just back off. She has his new address. She knows he hasn't forgotten about her. He should leave it up to her now if she wants anything to do with him at all.

It's kind of ironic that he's managed to find an affordable place on the other side of the Hudson, practically across from her. Measuring the distance between their apartments in a straight line, they now live only two miles apart. It's a bit longer to get there since he'll have to use the Lincoln tunnel to get across the river. He'd been looking for an affordable place with two bedrooms so he could have Eli over and this little place is perfect. It has a nice kitchen with modern appliances, a spacious living room, a nice master and a modest second bedroom, and a bathroom with a toilet and a shower. It's all he needs as a bachelor and part-time dad, and he is just about done furnishing it. He isn't too far away from Donnelly Memorial park, which is perfect to jog and clear his mind. Maybe that's what he should do after doing his laundry. Go out for a run and clear his mind.

…

David is very surprised to find her on the doorstep of his brownstone on Seton Avenue and she can tell that he is keeping his distance, even after asking her to come in. She isn't even sure if it's okay to take her coat off, so she keeps it on until he motions at her.

"Are you just passing through or?"

"David," she starts, but he waves her off already.

"I'm sorry Liv. I just haven't had much sleep. Please. Take your coat off and I'll make us some coffee."

David busies himself and she feels sorry for him. He is clearly uncomfortable and she hates it that he's hurting already. She has never been good at this relationship thing, and maybe she will end up hurting anyone who tries to care about her in the end. _Even Elliot_ , she hears herself think, and she shakes her head. She's here for David now. Elliot is the one who walked out on her, not the other way around. Any hurt he's feeling, he's inflicted on himself.

She walks into David's spacious, open kitchen behind him and David looks behind him when he hears her high heels clicking on the tiles.

"All dressed up for me?" he asks with a smirk, but she can tell his eyes aren't smiling.

Olivia takes a deep breath.

"David. This weekend was supposed to be our weekend. Our chance to spend some time together and really get to know each other. I still want that."

"Did you talk to him last night?"

It stings a little that he's brushing her words aside and goes straight for the elephant in the room. She takes the mug of coffee he holds out to her and cradles it in both hands, giving her hands something to do.

"This morning actually," she admits softly. "I sent him packing."

That gets David's attention and when they both sit down on his comfortable leather couch, he sits closer to her than she'd expected.

"Really? Just like that?"

Olivia purses her lips. The coffee is still too hot to drink but she wishes she could take a sip to buy some time. It hadn't been exactly 'just like that'. David, sensing her hesitation, helps her along, the skilled interrogator in him at work.

"What did he have to say for himself?"

That's a question she can answer.

"Just a lot of apologies. Taking the blame for everything."

"That must have been good to hear."

Olivia nods, staring into the distance while remembering Elliot's words. _I'm sorry for letting you think I was leaving you for good. There's no excuse for not answering your calls. I know that._

It _had_ been good to hear, but she hadn't let it sink in that morning.

"But it wasn't good enough?"

Olivia blows her coffee, trying to think of a way to explain the dynamic between her and Elliot to David. It isn't easy. She can barely remember now what happened in which order. She knows she stopped breathing when he told her he's missed her and she just had to get out of the car. And then she'd used David as a shield to hide behind, so her emotions wouldn't spin out of control. But she'd admitted to missing him too and then he'd told her he wanted her.

And she'd freaked out.

To top it all off he'd kissed her, before she'd even been able to form a complete thought about his admission. That kiss was scorching. Passionate. Everything she'd ever dreamed of and more despite his morning breath. Her mind wanders, thinking it will be even better when he's had a gum or brushed his teeth … or when he comes out of the bathroom freshly showered ...

"Olivia."

David's voice interrupts her thoughts and she looks at him with wide eyes. Has she been smiling? Oh God. This is not good. She's sitting here next to David, wanting to get to know him better and then she starts daydreaming about kissing Elliot again?

 _Tell me you love him and I will never bother you again._

Those were Elliot's words.

She just _has_ to snap out of it and focus on her companion. She hasn't had time to decide if she can love David. It's not fair to him. He deserves a fair chance.

David sighs and stands up abruptly, almost spilling his coffee. He puts his mug down on the coffee table and takes a few steps away from her, placing his hands on his hips.

"What? What is it, David?" Olivia asks, quickly standing up as well.

"Why did you come here?"

"What?"

"You heard me. Why did you come here? You're clearly not done thinking things over. You're miles away Olivia. If this is your way of getting to know me better …"

He lets out an exasperated sigh and the pained expression on his face is just enough to help Olivia pull herself together. She puts her mug down as well and steps closer to David.

"David, I'm sorry. Maybe I should have taken a little more time to digest this confrontation with my past. I … I just really wanted to see you again."

She can see him starting to melt instantly. Every man needs a little attention and praise, and David is no different. She steps closer to him again and places one hand over his heart.

"You have a … calming effect on me David. Maybe I'm being selfish but I just need that right now."

Every man needs to feel needed. He melts some more.

"Okay," David says softly, not meeting her eyes but looking down at her hand on his chest.

"Okay," she repeats, even if she's not entirely certain yet what it means in this situation.

"So," David says, and he finally glances up at her. "What do you want to do after you have calmed down in my presence?"

They both smile a little at that, and Olivia feels herself actually relaxing. David really does have a calming effect on her, when he's not upset himself that is.

"Maybe we could walk?" she suggests.

David takes her in from head to toe and raises an eyebrow.

"In those shoes?"

Olivia chuckles. Sure, the heels are high but she's used to walking in them.

"We don't have to walk for miles. Just get some air. I always feel it's easier to walk and talk."

David agrees and after finishing their coffee they head out.

…

He's tempted to jog all the way to Manhattan but he doesn't. Elliot is rescued from the turmoil in his head when his youngest daughter calls him and asks if she and her brother can 'crash at his place', as Elizabeth calls it.

He stops jogging and leans against a tree with one arm while talking to his daughter.

"Why do you need a place to crash on a Saturday?" he inquires, wondering why the almost 19-year olds aren't out with friends or doing their homework at home.

"Mom's in a mood again," Elizabeth grumbles. "She's already sent Eli away on a play date. I think it's her hormones but I know better than to tell her that."

Elliot grins. His daughter has suspected for some time now that Kathy is going through menopause and it's one thing he is glad to be missing out on.

"She's slamming doors and yelling at us for no reason."

He suspects that his ex-wife may have some reason to be annoyed with the twins but he's just happy that they apparently want to spend time with him, so he tells them to come right over.

"Or I could pick you up," he offers, but Elizabeth waves him off.

"No need dad. I can drive, remember?"

He hears the pride in his youngest daughter's voice and he has to remind himself that four of his kids are now adults, living their own lives and making their own decisions. His oldest is in a serious relationship but he isn't ready to think about the possibility of grandchildren at this point. He doesn't even want to think of his girls in a serious relationship.

He ends the call with Elizabeth and finishes his jog. He takes another quick shower and puts on jeans and a t-shirt, knowing how his kids hate it when he lounges around in his sweats. But he's retired. He doesn't have to dress up for anyone anymore and he's no longer on the clock.

He is relaxing into that at last. It's taken him a long time to get all the stress out of his system that had built up over the years at SVU. He did feel it all bubbling to the surface again when he was facing Olivia earlier that morning. She is still tense. Still in that world that eats you alive from the inside out if you're not careful. But she'd been laughing, with that man. She'd been relaxed and he thinks he's never seen her look more beautiful than last night. Maybe that's because he hadn't see her for so long. Or maybe she's actually doing it. Actually finding that balance between the job and her personal life. Maybe he shouldn't have come back. He doesn't want to upset her life. If anything, he wants to put all the unaddressed tension to rest that's always brewed between them.

Elliot tries not to think about Olivia with that man. Did she crawl back into bed with David after running away from him into the elevator? Or did she tell him all about them? Their partnership and how he'd left her? Betrayed her? Because that's what he's done. He's betrayed their bond, their silent agreement to always find each other again. Nine months is too long for him to expect her to still be waiting for him to find her again. Hell, he'd been furious when she'd been gone for five weeks on that undercover gig in Oregon. Five weeks was nothing. He stands before her empty-handed now. He has no weapons, nothing to strike back with anymore. All he has is himself, their deep connection, and his love for her. And the undying hope that somewhere deep inside, Olivia still loves him too. It may not seem like much, but it's everything he has. It's the only thing he can cling to anymore.

…

Olivia finally manages to relax as they stroll down the street towards Seton Falls Park. They comment on what they're seeing and on the weather, but overall, David is quiet. She wonders if he's walking with her because he feels obligated or if he actually enjoys being outside with her. She knows she can't give him an answer yet about where she wants their budding romance to go and she knows she's being selfish. She will drive herself crazy if she sits alone in her own apartment and she's using David in more ways than one. He helps her focus and rearrange her thoughts, and she still wants to find out if they'd be compatible. She expects a life with David to be a quiet life and she has to ask herself if that's what she wants. To have a quiet place to come home to, like out here in the Bronx. This street almost feels like a suburb, even if it's smack in the middle of the city. The houses are neat and the modest front yards of the houses are well kept. The park gives the area a calm vibe that she hasn't even found at Central Park.

Because of Olivia's shoes, they don't venture off the paved path and she regrets dressing up just a little now. She didn't exactly have a plan this morning and she frowns when she realizes that she has hardly done anything today that wasn't some kind of reflex. She hasn't thought anything through and that isn't very much like her. If David knew how many issues she struggles with, maybe he'd run the other way as fast as he could. Unlike Elliot.

And just like that, she's back to Elliot. He's never shied away from her demons. He understands them only too well and won't hesitate to confront her, like she does with him. Although David has tried to take a stand, he doesn't seem able to resist her for very long. Or maybe he just doesn't want to. She has to wonder if that will be good for her in the long run.

They come across a playground and find a bench to sit on. Just a few children are playing outside in the chilly February weather but it's a great spot to watch people stroll by.

Olivia spots an elderly couple walking slowly and she thinks that could be her and David in about thirty years. They stroll by calmly, silently. They've probably been together all their lives and even look like each other now, their hair white and their faces wrinkled.

A different couple catches her eye. They are deaf and it looks like they're in some kind of argument. Their sign language is heated and their faces reflect passion. Conviction. Energy. Confrontation. She realizes that would be her and Elliot, forever and always. The argument seems to have blown up and the woman has turned away from her companion. He hesitates for a few moments and Olivia is intrigued. What will he do? He's flexing his fingers and she can't help seeing the comparison. The man steps closer to his friend and reaches for her shoulder. The instant he touches her, the woman whips around again. There is fire in her eyes but then the man signs something to her and her face softens. He opens his arms and she sighs, looking down at the ground.

Olivia bites her lip. What will she do? She feels tears well up in her own eyes when the woman steps forward and lets her friend embrace her. She clings to him then and he caresses her back. Olivia wants to cry. She can almost feel those strong arms around her and she closes her eyes for a moment. _Shake it off, Olivia. You don't even know them!_

She opens her eyes and looks at the older couple, who have left the park and are shuffling along the pavement in the distance. They look exactly the same now than they did when she first spotted them. She looks at the deaf couple again, who are holding each other for dear life. And then she sees that David is staring at her. Has he been watching her the whole time? Well, even if he has, he can't possibly know what she's been thinking.

Olivia blinks a few times and tries to smile but David doesn't smile back. Did he just ask her something that she's missed because she was deep in thought? She's confused.

"What?" she asks him, and her voice is a little thick with emotion.

"Nothing," David says as he sits back and looks straight ahead.

But there is defeat in his voice. It's as if he knows. It's as if he has drawn his own conclusion before she is even willing to make up her mind. Will she choose a quiet life or a passionate one? A life that is calm and takes her away from all the stress of the job, burying it while she's off the clock, or a life that will continue to draw her out until she's conquered all her demons? That will challenge her to reach her full potential?

…

 **To be continued. Reviews are life.**


	5. Chapter 5

5.

Elliot's heart jumps up when he hears two voices call out to him from the street.

"Dad! We're here!" "Open up Daddy-O!"

He walks to the window and looks down, and there they are, waving at him. Richard and Elizabeth. His royal couple, named after a British king and a British queen. They had been his and Kathy's miracle babies. They had talked about having a third child at length, Kathy understanding that Elliot was secretly hoping for a boy after they had been blessed with two girls. They had been amazed to see their offspring double and to welcome a son as well as another daughter into their lives. He cherished both of them and couldn't be happier to see his relationship with them improve so much after the divorce. One of the reasons he'd stayed in the marriage for so long had been the fear of losing the love of his children, especially his son's. But he knows now that he shouldn't have been afraid. He's still their father and nothing can ever change that. They're adults now, very young but wise for their age. They had seen it coming, they've both told him. His older daughters too. And it's okay. They know he hasn't given up easily and that it's for the best. And now they're here. They want to spend time with him and the distraction couldn't have come at a better time.

Elliot buzzes the kids up quickly and waits for them in the doorway of his apartment. Elizabeth is the first one to give him a crushing hug and her brother follows, a little less exuberant as always. He's had his ups and downs with Richard and he knows that their relationship still needs work from time to time, but there is mutual respect now. He's had to learn that, probably more than Richard. Richard is joining the military this summer after all. He will be 19 soon and Elliot knows now that he has to allow his son to make his own decisions. He was a Marine himself at that age and he tries to remember all the things he thought he knew then. His son isn't a child anymore. He's an adult and he wants to serve his country. Elliot will worry about him of course, but at the same time he's incredibly proud of Richard and he has told him that.

That's progress right there. He's learning to communicate better. He's practiced on Kathy and the kids before daring to attempt to communicate with Olivia again ...

And now the twins are here, to escape their hormonal mother for a day, and he couldn't be happier about it. He makes a mental note to call Kathy soon, to show some interest, and not just wait until next Friday when it's his weekend with Eli.

Elliot fixes them all a drink and Richard carries two of the glasses of soda to the living room, handing one to his sister. He's really shaking off the stubbornness that had piqued during his puberty, and Elliot loves seeing the twins get along better. They've always had a special connection but it's taking a more positive turn now, away from the incessant teasing and more towards little inside jokes and gestures.

Once they're all seated, Elizabeth asks how he's doing. When he takes a little too long to answer, because he can't quite gather his thoughts, Richard pipes up.

"Have you spoken with Olivia yet? You were going to go see her, right?"

…

Olivia feels bad for David, who doesn't seem to be enjoying her company at this point. He's a bit sullen and she knows it's her doing. She shouldn't have come over to his place. It's too soon and they both know it. She knows her motives aren't really pure and she's actually studying David while comparing him to Elliot. But how could she possibly compare a few weeks to almost 13 _years_? In the end, she decides, it shouldn't be about how long she's known someone, but about how well they fit together. She knows what she'd be in for with Elliot. They've lived that life as partners, and she thinks it will basically be the same, because they're the same people. There will just be sex thrown into the mix. And a lot of it, she suspects. Forcing herself not to let her mind go there, she glances at David again. They have walked a little further and he's suggested getting a bite to eat. It's almost noon and since she's hardly eaten any breakfast, she's getting hungry. She guesses it must be the same for David. He's told her there aren't any places around here that serve a decent meal so they agree to go back to his place, where they can make their own club sandwiches.

She wonders what sex with David would be like. She was supposed to find out this weekend. He's always kind, gentle and attentive and she doesn't expect him to be any different in the bedroom. He is accommodating. Not that there's anything wrong with that. She's been with accommodating men before and it had been alright.

Olivia is a passionate woman herself, able to lose control just a little when nobody stops her. She's been with passionate men too. Men who take, while she takes from them. She realizes that hot sex has always been about taking, while David would be a man who would be giving. Not grabbing but caressing. Not throwing her around, but catching her. And that scares her in a way. To let someone catch her would mean trusting them, and that's the most difficult part of all. Taking is easy. Being taken is easy, up to a point. But giving and receiving? That's a completely different world. A world she's never lived in.

The few good guys she's dated must have tried though. They must have tried to give her something, but she doesn't think she's ever given them anything in return aside from physical pleasure. She knows she doesn't disappoint in the bedroom and she knows that when it comes down to it, when it comes down to what's really important, it won't primarily be about the sex. And that's why both men scare her in a way. Because regardless of her heated past with her partner and the few weeks she's known David now, she knows that _both_ men want more of her. And that scares the hell out of her because she doesn't know how to do that.

…

"I'm gonna take that as a yes," Richard says dryly, and Elliot looks at his son.

After Richard's question if he's talked to Olivia yet, he's bowed his head and clasped his hands together, his elbows resting on his thighs.

He nods then and glances at his daughter.

"She didn't wanna see you?" Elizabeth asks.

Elliot blows out a breath and sits up straight.

"I'm not really sure. She was pissed when I showed up at her doorstep."

"Can't blame her there," Richard says. "You did walk out on her without a word."

"Don't remind me," Elliot sighs.

"Did she want to listen to anything you had to say?" his daughter asks, and he can see genuine concern in her blue eyes.

Elliot shrugs.

"I said most of what I wanted to say. I'm just not sure if she was really listening."

He knows he's skipping a few details but he doesn't want his children to know that he's spent the night in his car and decided to kiss Olivia when he thought he was going to lose her for good.

"I know you care about her dad," his son states, and Elliot is amazed once again at how his boy is growing up.

He'd resented his partner for a long time, trying to blame Olivia for his parents' marital problems, but it looks like Richard is past that now. Richard gives him a small smile and shrugs. They still aren't good at long, deep conversations, they're still Stabler men after all, but he knows that Richard is basically giving him the go-ahead to pursue his former partner.

"And I'm sure Olivia still cares about you too, dad," Elizabeth adds.

Elliot puts a hand on his daughter's knee and squeezes it briefly.

"Yeah, well. Let's say my presence didn't leave her unaffected," he says with a smile.

"See!" Elizabeth says triumphantly. "So what did she say?"

He sighs and swallows. How honest is he going to be? How much of his own issues does he want his kids to know about? His kids, who aren't kids anymore? He fixes his gaze on his son's eyes when he finally tells them,

"She says I'm too late. That she's found someone else."

"Oh."

The twins both seem disappointed and it moves him. They'd actually hoped that Olivia would be in their father's life again.

"That sucks dad," Richard says and Elizabeth concurs.

"I know."

"I bet he's lame," Elizabeth says. "He can't be as great as you are dad."

Elliot smiles at his daughter, moved again because she's so sure about him, so proud of her daddy.

"I don't know honey," he says honestly. "I asked her if she loves him and she didn't say she does."

"I'm pretty sure she still loves you, dad. I mean … who wouldn't?"

"Liz!" Richard says, trying to tone down his sister, but Elliot is warmed by his daughter's comments.

"It's alright Dickie," Elliot tells his son, inadvertently using his old nickname. Richard doesn't correct him this time. "It's up to Olivia. Nothing I can do about it now."

"Maybe we can talk to her," Elizabeth offers, but Elliot doesn't think that is such a good idea.

He explains to them that he needs to respect Olivia's decisions and that he can handle things himself. He then suggests making them all some lunch and asks them what they want to do afterwards. They decide on a game of Monopoly and Elliot threatens to take them both to the bank in record time. They all laugh and then move into the kitchen to prepare some lunch together.

…

Olivia tries to relax while she and David eat their sandwiches, sitting at his dining table, but she knows David is watching her intently. They talk about a case they recently closed and about one that's still open, but she can tell that David isn't focused on their conversation. The usual passion is missing. Getting justice is something he is passionate about and she wonders if maybe he does take that side of him into the bedroom with him. She can't believe her mind is going there again and she blames Elliot for that. They way he kissed her is still affecting her and she wonders what would have happened if she hadn't stopped him. She could have had sex with two men over the past twelve hours if she had wanted to, and she can't fathom why she keeps thinking about it. David hasn't asked her anything about her encounter with Elliot again. He's told her that she's clearly not done thinking about it and now he is just keeping her company because she's asked him to. She wonders if he expects their budding relationship going anywhere anymore. After they finish up, she sees him glancing at the clock on his living room wall and she asks him if he has plans this afternoon.

"No specific plans," David tells her. "I guess I had hoped to spend my weekend with you. Maybe go shopping together or …"

He shrugs and she almost finishes his sentence for him. _Or staying in bed all day_.

"Yeah," she says instead. "Me too. We could still do that, right? Spend time together."

"We're not as relaxed as we were yesterday, are we?" he asks in return. "It's not the same, no matter how badly I may want it to be."

"Do you?" she asks, already knowing the answer.

"Of course I do. You know I'm very interested in you, Olivia. I thought that much was obvious."

She looks down at her empty plate, feeling both flattered and a little guilty. She almost flinches when David suddenly reaches for her hand on the table and takes it in both of his. She looks into his kind eyes and listens when he tells her very seriously,

"Olivia, I know we've only been seeing each other for a short while but I'd like to see where it might go. But only if you're in as well. I'm not going to follow you around like a lovesick puppy until you decide if you want to give us a serious try."

"Fair enough."

"I know we talked about disclosing to our bosses, but that's only an option if we're both all in, right?"

Olivia nods.

"Of course."

"But you can't promise me that."

He is merely stating a fact and while she knows this particular fact is making him a little sad, she appreciates his openness. And it feels good to have his hands around her hand. There are no hidden meanings with David. Nothing simmering beneath the surface. No demons from the past that will come out when the wrong button is pushed. Well, not for him anyway. She still has her fair share of demons to conquer but somehow, she knows David will never push her too far. He's too considerate for that. But he's not a doormat either, and she appreciates that.

"I … I wish I could say I can," she replies honestly. "I just think we haven't had enough time to get to know each other yet."

"And you know _him_ very well."

Olivia bites her lip and looks away. David is right. She knows Elliot better than anyone, and he knows her. They know each others' demons, and there's a lot to be said for that. Still, she wonders if maybe David would be better for her. He does calm her, like she's told him. He is an escape from the turmoil of the job as well as the turmoil inside her head. She needs more time to figure it out.

They decide that it will be good to take a break, but Olivia makes David promise her that he won't be a stranger and that he'll call her soon. He helps her into her coat and, standing behind her, he rests his hands on her hips while she buttons it up. His touch doesn't make her nervous. She trusts him, and that has to mean something. After buttoning up her long coat, Olivia turns around to face David, and rests her hands on his hips as well.

"Thanks for being so understanding David," she says softly, standing very close to him.

He gives her a lopsided smile and she thinks it looks cute on him.

"I'm trying," he tells her honestly.

"That's more than I could have hoped for," she says, smiling up at him.

"I guess I should have known I'd have competition. How could I not, with such a wonderful, beautiful woman?"

His hands are still on her hips and he's rubbing them gently over her coat. He's turning on his charm and Olivia can't help grinning sheepishly. She holds her breath when David leans in slowly, and when she doesn't pull away, he takes it as permission to kiss her.

He is gentle, a little tentative at first, but when he senses that Olivia is kissing him back, his kiss becomes stronger. There is a longing there, and Olivia's arms slip up until they are around his neck. David holds her close and she feels safe in his arms, knowing he'd never hurt her. His lips are soft and his tongue is warm and she feels herself relaxing against him.

When they break apart after half a minute, David takes a few deep breaths. He is very much affected by the kiss and Olivia's body pressed up against him, even if she's wearing a long winter coat. Olivia releases him and creates a little more distance between them while she looks at him. He is much more affected than she is. She had just felt warm and comfortable while he is a bit flustered now. She tilts her head and smiles sweetly at the EADA. It's nice to affect someone like that but … shouldn't she have felt something similar? Something exhilarating? Shouldn't her heart be beating faster now? Shouldn't she be longing for more of him? Like she had after Elliot had kissed her?

Elliot …

Just like that, Elliot is invading her thoughts again and she feels her heart rate pick up just thinking about him, and about kissing him. She had wanted him to even before he kissed her. She had ached for his touch even before she knew he was going to touch her. She shivers and David smiles. He must think it's because of him. God, what is she doing? She's not the kind of woman to go back and forth between two men! She's always loathed women who toyed with men's emotions. She's seen more than enough of those women on the job, driving men to the point of doing something drastic in the name of love, or out of jealousy. She's not one of _those_ women, is she? She can only hope that David doesn't see the panic that is slowly taking a hold of her. Her breathing has picked up a little and David is rubbing her upper arms.

"I … I should go," she stammers, a little out of breath, and looking at his chest now.

David nods, still smiling.

"I understand. I'll see you again soon, okay?" he says softly, reassuringly.

He really thinks he is affecting her this much. Maybe he is, but not in the way he thinks.

"Yeah. Okay. Thank you David," she says quickly, still not looking at him.

"Just try to relax this weekend, alright?" David says softly, and she nods.

"I'll try."

She turns around and leaves, and doesn't look back until she reaches her car. David is standing in the doorway of his house and waves at her. She waves back and quickly gets in the car. She sighs once she's slammed the door shut, and shakes her head. The she asks herself out loud,

"What are you doing, Olivia Benson?"

...

 **Reviews are life.**


	6. Chapter 6

**I'm using lyrics of a song in this chapter that hadn't been released yet in February of 2012. I know it didn't come out until September of that year but I need these lines. You'll see why!  
The most amazing thing is, that as I wrote that part of this story, the very song I am using came on the radio … (gulp)**

...

6.

After picking up a few groceries for the weekend, Olivia finds herself back home, alone with her thoughts. She has two men on her mind and she's never been in this position before. One man is someone who has been growing on her, and that she finds pleasant to have around. He is sweet and uncomplicated and that's refreshing. The other man is someone she has kept out of her thoughts with all her might for years and years while seeing him almost every day. Sweet and uncomplicated aren't exactly words that suit him. She hadn't wanted to think of him as anything other than a partner and a friend and most days, she had succeeded. After he left, she had channeled her feelings for this man into anger and had only allowed herself to feel anger and disappointment towards him anymore. She knows that it's is only part of what she's feeling, but as long as she ignores those other feelings beneath the anger and disappointment, she is going to be okay. She'll be fine. She had been fine.

And now she isn't.

She's shed her dress and heels, and after taking a shower she has changed into comfortable sweatpants and a grey hooded sweatshirt. She has tasked herself with cleaning her entire kitchen, taking everything out of the cabinets and putting it back in after cleaning the shelves. A few items that have clearly not been touched in years, end up in the trash and a few pots and pans take their first trip in months to the dish washer. It's like she needs to create order around her to counter the disarray inside her head. And it does feel good to do some cleaning. At least she's doing something useful with her time now that her romantic weekend with David has evaporated.

Because of him.

Elliot.

He's dropped his new address and phone number in her mailbox and the card is now sitting on her breakfast bar, staring at her whenever she passes it.

Olivia heaves a sigh. Despite everything, it had been so, _so_ good to see him again. Just to see for herself that he was still breathing and to look into his blue eyes that reflect his soul whenever he loses his composure just a little bit. She knows what she saw in those eyes this morning and it makes her skin flush. And it isn't just what she'd seen either. It's what she had felt. What he had _made_ her feel when he kissed her.

She tosses the cloth she'd been rinsing in the sink and leans on the kitchen counter. That one kiss still has her rattled, and kissing David earlier has only made things worse. The man's a good kisser, no doubt about it. And she thinks he'll turn out to be a decent lover too, if they ever get to that point. He's one of the attentive ones. But Elliot … everything is intense with Elliot and just thinking about it makes her heart skip a beat.

Olivia sighs again. She knows she will need to talk to Elliot again. They have too much history together to leave things like this. Elliot has made the first move and what happens next is up to her. She may not appreciate the way he's tried to brush her relationship with David aside, but ignoring him, as well as what has always been between her and her former partner, won't solve anything. They'll probably yell at each other again but by God, she's even missed arguing with him. She has yearned for him and seeing him again has brought everything she'd hidden away right back to the surface. She shakes her head and reaches for the coffee from her freshly rearranged cupboard. She'll have a cup of coffee first and make up her mind about what to do afterwards.

…

"The queen rules! Again!" Elizabeth yells triumphantly while using both arms to sweep all the cash on the coffee table to her side of the Monopoly board. It's their second game and both Richard and Elliot agree that they've played long enough.

"You're just sore losers," Elizabeth jokes

After standing up from his spot on the floor at the coffee table, Elliot bows for his daughter.

"You are indeed the queen and I bow to you," he says and Elizabeth giggles.

Richard also accepts defeat and climbs on the couch to switch on the TV while Elizabeth starts putting the game back into the box.

"There's no game on today," Elliot announces but Richard flips through the sports channels anyway.

"Could be some rerun," he states.

"You really don't want to be around your mom, do you?" Elliot says with a grin.

"Nope."

"She's a better cook than I am."

"We can order pizza," Richard says hopefully and Elliot laughs out loud at that.

"Fine. We'll order pizza. I won't subject your sensitive stomachs to my cooking today."

It's only five but he is enjoying having the kids over so he'll order pizza early if that means they'll stay a while longer. He loves having them over and right now, they're a very welcome distraction. As soon as he has a few minutes to think, his mind goes back to Olivia. To kissing Olivia. And to how she'd kissed him back. It had been brief but he knows it's there. He hasn't been wrong and it's killing him that he has to leave it all up to her now.

If it was up to him, he'd knock on her door tonight and confront her. Kiss her again to prove his point. He tells himself she wouldn't have kissed him like that if she'd been seriously involved with that other guy. He knows that if he goes to her again and she lets him kiss her, he won't ever want to leave. Now that he's finally admitted to himself - and to her - that he loves her, the floodgates have opened. If she thought he was possessive before, she should see him now. He can't stomach the thought that she is with another man now. Maybe she's with him this very moment. Maybe she's already trying to forget their little runin. Maybe she's already made it up to the guy that their night had been interrupted …

Elliot takes a deep breath and leans against the kitchen counter while reading over the pizza menu once again.

He knows he has no right at all to expect anything from Olivia. They were partners and best friends for over a decade and for the most part, they've succeeded in keeping things professional. The fact that they were always so close - too close? - has resulted in fights too and she has been equally infuriating as well as appealing to him.

Equal may be the key word here. He's found his match in Olivia and it made them invincible as partners. It made them loyal friends who called each other out on their bullshit. And he knows now it would make them an unbreakable couple. He and Kathy have never truly been equals. It isn't in Kathy's nature to challenge him. Not like Olivia does. Sure, they've had their share of disagreements, but Kathy's never managed to get to the core of his issues. Not like Olivia does.

He needs that. He knows this now, after breaking away from the job and being confronted with himself fully for the first time. During those months apart, his thoughts and dreams had been filled with memories of Olivia, and he has come to realize that she is seared into his brain. Not what they've accomplished together, all the cases they've solved or even the survivors they've helped. No, what's sticking with him the most is all the little things about her and how she completes him in every possible way. He remembers how she squints during an interview or interrogation; how she glances at him and they both just _know_ what to do next. How she licks her lips after drinking something cold and how she swallows coffee that's really slightly too hot to swallow yet. How she'll nod off against the window of the car and how she'll wake him up gently after a nap in the car or the cribs. How she's always sensed when to approach him and when to leave him alone, even if he thought she should have done the opposite. Turns out she was always right in hindsight. And most of all, how much he misses her. Missing her had crushed him and he has made some big decisions just so he would be free to go to her again as soon as possible.

And now she's told him he is too late. And he doesn't believe her. How sick is that?

Elliot sighs and starts at the top of the list of pizzas once more when Richard sidles up next to him and snatches the menu from his hand.

"Here. This one aaand …. this one. Agreed?"

Richard easily checks two pizzas on the list and Elliot has to admit they're good ones. He checks with Elizabeth just to be sure but she just gives her brother a double thumbs up. He orders the pizzas and goes into his bedroom to grab some cash, so he'll have it handy when the delivery person gets there. When he returns to the living room, he catches the last part of his kids' hushed conversation.

"... maybe we should give Liv a call."

Elliot clears his throat and the two young adults on the couch jump a little.

"Nobody is giving Liv a call," he states sternly. "This doesn't concern you two. Please don't bother her."

"But dad," Elizabeth starts.

"No," Elliot cuts her off. "I've told you. We need to give her some space. It's called respect, guys."

"We don't want you to hurt, dad. Either of you," Elizabeth mutters and Elliot sits down next to his daughter, pulls her to him and kisses the top of her head.

"It's okay honey. I'm a big boy and Olivia can take care of herself too."

They are silent for a few seconds and then Richard tells him,

"Well, if you do talk to her, tell her we miss her okay?"

…

Olivia has finished two cups of coffee but she still feels torn. She _is_ torn. By now, her heart is screaming at her to just go over to Elliot's place and confess to him that all she's ever wanted was exactly what he's told her. That he knows he messed up; that he misses her; that he wants her. Her body hums at the memory of his touch and the only thing stopping her is her most faithful old friend. _Fear_.

Fear is reasoning with her. What if he just up and leaves again? What if her reaction to his kiss was just shock and not some primal need awakening inside her to be close to him? What if he's still married, even if she doesn't think he would kiss her if he wasn't divorced. What if they only click as friends? What if it's weird to touch him because they've never touched?

That had been a concern for her before. How do you go from best friends to something else? She knows she's loved him for a long time, but they've never touched each other unless it was absolutely necessary. They were drawn to each other from the start and there had been little touches and glances at first, but once their partnership developed, they both started actively avoiding touching each other, Elliot as well as her. And why? Maybe they both sensed that things would get out of hand if they didn't. Maybe, deep down, they've always known it would be like it had been that morning. That touching each other, holding each other, _kissing_ each other, would be like a raging fire.

 _Where there is desire there is gonna be a flame_

The lyrics of a song pop into her head. The song is right. A flame of desire is what she'd felt. She'd felt it the instant she'd seen Elliot standing there in the dark. Relief had washed over her at the mere sight of him. It had been as if a crucial piece of a puzzle had suddenly fallen into place.

But flames are dangerous. Flames can lead to fires and to irreparable burns that never heal.

 _Where there is a flame, someone's bound to get burned_

That thought only adds to her fear. It's why her first instinct was to push him away. What if the fire that they ignite in each other consumes them? What if they're both incinerated in the process? Or one of them? What if they let it burn and will have nothing left once the fire is quenched? Would it ever be quenched between them? And would they still love each other if it did?

 _But just because it burns doesn't mean you're gonna die_

That's what the song says. She's hummed along with it many times when it was on her car radio. Fire can kill but the writer of this song seems convinced that, however consuming the fire can be between two people, it won't kill them.

Their heated arguments haven't killed them over the years. Nor have they killed their friendship and loyalty towards each other. They're used to the fire and instead of burning them to a crisp, it had warmed her. Elliot's presence in her life had warmed her and had made her feel like there was someone who would always be there. Someone who knew her inside and out, and loved her anyway. She hadn't even needed the fire of passion, as long as she had the warmth of his presence in her life. When he left, her world had become a colder, darker place.

Maybe it's that warmth she's looking for with David. The warmth of companionship. But will there ever be a passionate fire between her and David? She'd settled for the warmth of Elliot's company when she couldn't have more of him, but will it be enough in the long run with someone else?

Olivia sighs. She never thought she'd be faced with a decision like this. She's always prided herself in knowing exactly what's right and what's wrong. But there is no cut and dry right or wrong in this situation. The answer can only be found inside herself, by listening to her own heart. That same heart she's spent years silencing because what it was telling her, was too painful. It was too painful when she was still living with her alcoholic mother. It was too painful walking beside Elliot for twelve long years and seeing him go back to his wife time and time again. And it's still painful now that she's feeling torn between being fair to David and this _flame_ inside her that is begging for her attention. In the end, it isn't a choice between one man or the other. It's a choice to either open the lid of her own heart again and listen to it, or not.

Her chin starts trembling unexpectedly and Olivia is caught off guard by the surge of emotions bubbling to the surface once she acknowledges that her heart is actually trying to tell her something. The lid is coming off and oxygen is flowing in, making the flame flare up and grow stronger. For the first time in a long time, she lets out all the pain and anguish that Elliot leaving her life had caused her, and she cries like she hasn't cried in years. The pain that she'd buried deep inside is coming out and in its place, the fire grows. Her heart is beating more deeply again, telling her that she can finally have what she's always wanted if she's willing to listen to her heart.

 _You gotta get up and try_

She's terrified of listening to her own heart but she remembers Elliot's words. They echo inside her mind.

 _What do you want from me?_

 _What I've always wanted, Liv. Even when I shouldn't have._

 _What?_

 _You._

He hasn't left any room for doubt. He's confirmed what she's never dared to hope. He has given a voice to the whispers inside her heart that have always told her there was more between them. That is wasn't just her. That quiet whisper that had kept her by his side all these years was now becoming louder, urging her to make a choice. Not for one man or the other, but for _her_. To just choose herself for once instead of everyone else.

 _Gotta get up and try_

She gets up from the couch and goes into the bathroom to splash some water in her face. Her face is puffy from crying and she isn't wearing any makeup. She's still in her sweats and decides to change into jeans and sneakers but she leaves her sweatshirt on. It's not like she needs to dress up for him. Not for him … He wants her just they way she is. He _knows_ her. She pulls her hair back in a messy ponytail and grabs her keys and wallet.

 _Gotta get up and try, try try_

 _Gotta get up and try_

...

 **I know some of you wanted Olivia to take more time, but here we are. She's done some soul searching. And now she's on her way to Elliot's? I'm sure this is going to be a lovey dovey reunion ... right? Or? :)**


	7. Chapter 7

**I'm sorry this chapter took so long but it was very challenging to write. I hope it was worth the wait.**

...

7.

Maybe she should have eaten something but she hadn't been hungry all afternoon after her lunch with David. It's too late now because she's already in his street. Her stomach clenches and she is beginning to doubt herself. Again. She tries to breathe through the slight stomach ache while finding a spot to park the brown Ford she takes home from work these days. After parking the car half a block down from her destination, she sits in the car for a while, gathering the courage to walk up to his door. When she finally emerges, her fingers stiff on the door handle, she shivers when the cold evening air hits her. She should have put a coat on. She locks the car and starts walking towards the building. His new apartment. Where he lives alone, without a wife or children.

And then she hears voices in the street. Laughter. _His_ laughter. There he is, with two other people. Young people. It's the twins. Olivia stops, her eyes widening a bit while her stomach does a few backflips. She wants to leave. He may have moved out, again, but he's still part of his family. She doesn't want to disturb his relaxed moment with Richard and Elizabeth but before she can turn around, Elizabeth spots her.

"Olivia!"

...

Every single hair on his body stands on end when he realizes she's here. Olivia is here and his entire being focuses on her. He stands motionless while his children run over to his former partner to greet her. He sees her blink a few times, as if she hadn't seen them coming, when Elizabeth wraps her arms around her.

"It's so good to see you! We were talking about you just this afternoon. How have you been?" Elizabeth rattles.

Elliot can see her force herself to give his daughter some attention but she radiates the same tense apprehension he is feeling. Why has she come? He has to admit he hadn't expected her. Not yet, anyway. She isn't exactly someone who acts on impulse when it comes to personal matters.

Richard greets Olivia too and she tells them she's fine but she had wanted to talk to their dad.

"Well, we were just leaving anyway so he's all yours," Richard says with a grin.

"Yeah. We're off now. I'm driving. Did you know I drive now, Olivia?" Elizabeth chatters on and Elliot can't help smiling at his daughter's act. Leave it to Elizabeth to try and diffuse the tension she had no doubt picked up the second he and Olivia spotted each other.

Olivia is a little overwhelmed. She hadn't expected the twins to be so happy to see her and now they're basically pushing her towards their father. She walks up to him with the kids, who say goodbye to their father quickly, 'to leave them to talk' as Richard puts it. She stands next to Elliot and they wave the kids off together. It feels surreal. They haven't said one word to each other yet and now they're smiling and waving like two parents seeing their children off. After Elizabeth's car has disappeared around the corner, they stand there for a few long moments in silence. What should she say? How does one start a conversation like this? 'Hey, it was good to see you again and by the way, I want you too? Kiss me again so I can take notes and compare you to David some more?' She shakes her head almost imperceptibly and stuffs her hands in the pockets of her sweater.

Elliot takes a deep breath and glances at Olivia. He is overwhelmed by her unexpected presence and her appearance takes him back to another night she'd shown up at his doorstep.

 _'There's a flower in your cup.'_

What has she been doing since this morning? How much thinking has his beloved overthinker done so far? He wants to ask her why she's here but he bites his tongue just in time. He would push the wrong button if he asked her that. So instead, he tells her,

"I'm really glad you're here."

Olivia nods and bites her lip.

"We … I guess we need to talk."

"You wanna come in?"

"Okay."

...

She walks up with him on autopilot and wraps her arms around herself as soon as Elliot closes the door behind them.

"Welcome," he says and she forces a smile.

Why was she here again? Her eyes scan his face and the familiarity of his features is painful. It's the face she has been looking for every single day for the past nine months wherever she went. Not consciously, but she knows it. The completeness she feels when she looks at him is proof enough. And the way his eyes are now boring holes in her isn't uncomfortable at all. Or maybe she welcomes the discomfort, because she's even missed that; feeling awkward around him because of her hidden feelings. It's still way better than feeling lonely and cold without him.

"Are you cold?" Elliot asks her, and she thinks it's ironic.

"I was," she replies and it's the truth. Just standing in the same room as Elliot is helping her warm up again.

"You want some hot chocolate?" he asks and she chuckles.

"Hot chocolate?"

"I made some for the kids," Elliot says by way of explanation.

His 'kids' are all grown up already but somehow she thinks it's kind of sweet that he's made hot chocolate for them.

"Sounds good," she says quietly.

She really needs to snap out of it and remember why she's here, she thinks. But she'll take the quiet before the storm for now. There will be time enough to get agitated and not make sense. Or to get aroused and make complete sense for once in her life …  
Elliot just nods and after glancing at her once more, he moves behind the breakfast bar to scoop some hot chocolate out of the pan and into a mug. She can't help wondering if he isn't cold himself, since he was just outside in just a t-shirt and jeans.

"Here you go."

"Thanks."

They are silent again and Elliot wonders if Olivia is going to tell him why she decided to come over tonight. She's clutching her mug with both hands as if she's afraid she's going to fall over if she lets go. It can't have been easy for her to come to him. He knows better than anyone that Olivia Benson doesn't open up. Maybe that's why he kissed her. To force her to open up about what has been so obvious between them for so long.

"Why don't we sit?" he suggests, and Olivia nods.

They move into the living area and she chooses the far end of his couch. Elliot sits down to her right, pulling one leg up on the couch and turning towards her, but leaving a respectable distance of several feet between them. She's not on the brink of running right now, so he doesn't need to crowd her like he did this morning. She sips her hot drink quietly for a while and Elliot waits, watching her. He can see she's been crying and he aches for her. She's still the most beautiful creature he's ever seen, just like this. With no makeup on, her hair messy and in casual clothes, she is perfect. She can knock an entire room flat when she's all dressed up in sexy clothes with perfect hair and makeup, but she is always beautiful to him.

He sits up a little straighter when she takes a breath to say something.

"I don't know how to do this, El."

 _El._

How he's missed it to hear her call him that. It's the first indication that she hasn't come over to tell him off or create even more distance between them.

"What do you mean exactly Liv?" he asks, using her own nickname too. "What is ' _this'_?"

Olivia chuckles humorlessly.

"I suppose that's been the question all along, hasn't it?"

Her brown eyes finally meet his blues and he swallows hard. She isn't on guard as usual. She seems … broken. Vulnerable. She doesn't have all the answers this time. Not this time, and she's looking at him to help her. The fact that she still seems to trust him to help her, even subconsciously, moves him and he wants to move closer to her. He doesn't. He doesn't want to overstep, again. He needs to give Olivia space to make up her mind and to approach him if she wants to. He vows not to kiss her again unless she initiates it.

...

Olivia knows why she's here but it's not easy to break the old patterns they have perfected over the years. She can't do it alone. She knows that Elliot has made a very big overture but that was hours ago and this feels like starting over. He is keeping his distance now. That may be new in itself, she realizes, already different from the in-each-others-face approach they are used to. And they are openly addressing what's been brewing between them. That's another thing that's new. They are in uncharted territory and she needs something to hold on to. The way they know and read each other has always been enough to maintain their balance, but now something needs to change. They both need to be willing to lose their balance before finding a new equilibrium. Together.

"Just tell me … why you came over tonight."

Elliot is helping her along. His question isn't an accusation. His voice is gentle and his face is open. It helps her find her voice.

"You came back," she says, and she knows she is sounding a bit pathetic.

"Did you really think I wouldn't?" Elliot asks.

She sighs.

"You made it pretty hard for me to keep believing," she tells him honestly. "Nine months Elliot. You could have died and I wouldn't have known."

She knows she sounds bitter and hurt and she is.

"Even a little note saying ' _I'll be back'_ would have made so much difference …"

Her voice breaks and she tries to take a deep breath, but it's a short one instead, as if she's gasping for air. She sees Elliot's hand twitch on the backrest of the couch and she knows he wants to reach for her. It's as if her skin is already anticipating his touch and it's ridiculous how badly she wants it. But he doesn't reach for her and he doesn't say anything. When she looks at him, she sees that same sad look of regret in his eyes again.

"I'm sorry," he whispers and while he's barely made a sound, she hears him loud and clear.

She swallows and nods, then takes another sip of her hot chocolate. It's drinking temperature now and she welcomes the warmth as the warm liquid travels down to her stomach. It's as if that warmth inside her helps her to relax just a little bit. She knows they need to hash this out once and for all, and she knows it has to be with words, not silent understandings.

"It took me months to even acknowledge that I had a new partner. And even longer before I actually noticed anyone again. David was the first one …"

Her voice breaks again and tears well up in her eyes unexpectedly.

"The first one who made me feel anything again."

She looks in her cup and swirls the remaining chocolate around. From the corner of her eye she sees Elliot sit up a little straighter and she knows what's next. He's always been jealous of whoever she'd been dating, although he never had any right to be jealous. He should know that the emotions she is feeling aren't deep feelings for David, but that it's pain that's triggered at the memory of how numb she'd been without _him_. Without Elliot.

"Have you been seeing him long?"

Her head whips up and she looks at him, eyebrows raised. She hadn't expected that question. She had expected him to try and undercut her relationship with David again, like he had done that morning. Not that this quiet question is less confronting, but Elliot still doesn't know how new her involvement with David truly is.

"A few weeks," she states flatly.

It's not a lie. She's met David almost a month ago and they've been on a few dates since. Olivia watches Elliot for a reaction and she can see he is working hard to keep himself under control. She knows the jealous asshole he can be is somewhere in there but at least he is making an effort not to unleash him just yet.

"Is he good to you?" Elliot asks and she knows it's an even more difficult question for him to ask her.

"He is," she says, nodding. "We've been talking about disclosing to our bosses."

Elliot bites his lower lip and she can't help staring at his lips. She sees him swallow and sees the muscles in his jaw work and she has to remind herself to keep breathing. She knows she isn't playing fair. _They_ haven't been talking about disclosing. David has, and she's told him she doesn't know if she's ready for that. He hasn't asked her why not but by now, she thinks he knows that a big part of her list of reasons revolves around the man sitting in front of her right now.

"Sounds serious," Elliot says tersely.

...

Elliot can feel the tension radiating off him in waves. He wants to touch Olivia, and if she keeps this up, he will want to grab her and shake some sense into her very soon. It's torture for him to just sit there and wait for her to finally tell him why she's here. He thought he knew but he isn't sure now. This morning, he'd been completely sure of himself and of them. The way she'd responded to his kiss had spoken volumes. But now, seeing her pain and how she is speaking of this David finally making her feel something again … he hadn't expected that. He doesn't know what he expects of her now.

"I … I just," Olivia stammers and he thinks it's the first time she is stammering while talking to him.

She sighs and tries again.

"I couldn't leave things like that between us."

Elliot nods. He feels himself getting frustrated with Olivia.

"I see. "So the reason you're here is … what? To tell me it was good to see me but that's it? Like a courtesy call?"

Olivia puts her mug down on his coffee table and he can tell she is moving slowly deliberately, probably to keep her hands from shaking. She puts her hands in her lap and looks down at them, and then answers his question softly.

"No."

"Then what Liv!"

Her head snaps up at his exasperated tone and he can see a very familiar fire ignite in her eyes. But there is something else there that he can't quite place.

...

It's uncanny how much she's missed this. She actually welcomes his anger. It is so familiar to her and it's something she knows how to deal with. It almost feels like coming home and she stands up to face Elliot. He stands as well and it's like those months apart evaporate. There is still a distance of a few feet between them but his intensity is already overlapping with hers. It's truth time and she thinks it will be easier to get the words out in an argument than in a quiet heart to heart.

"You knew!" she says, pointing at him and raising her voice a bit. "You _knew_ you were the only man I trusted! And you know why! You _know_ me, Elliot."

She takes a deep breath and all the hurt she felt when she was crying earlier, hits her again. It has to come out. Elliot needs to hear it.

"I convinced myself I didn't need you and just when I actually manage to feel something for someone again ..."

"Liv, I didn't know!" Elliot interjects, but she isn't finished.

"Of course you didn't know! You thought I'd be waiting for you, just like I've always been waiting for you! Good and patient little Liv, right?!"

"No!"

...

He steps closer to her and she doesn't budge. Her chest is heaving and Elliot has to force himself not to look at it. He stares into her eyes instead. Is she right? Hadn't he expected her to still be single and burying herself in work, just like always? But he doesn't see her the way she's depicting herself right now, pining away for him.

"No?" she challenges. "So you've actually considered the possibility that I might be seeing someone?"

"I … I don't know," he admits and Olivia huffs.

"Sure you do. You couldn't have been more surprised to see me with a man last night."

She sees right through him but he has to convince her he doesn't see her as someone who was or has to be at his beck and call all the time.

"I was a little shocked but not for the reasons you think," he maintains.

Olivia takes a small step back and tilts her head.

"Enlighten me, detective," she says and her eyes are daring him to say something wrong.

He loves her more than he can say. He loves her just like this, all riled up and ready to pounce on him if he makes a wrong move. He has half a heart to grab her and kiss her right now, but he doesn't. He can't. He vowed he wouldn't unless she kisses him first.

Instead, he needs to tell her how he feels about her. What he thinks of her and why he came back to her. Full disclosure.

"I felt ashamed as it was," he tells her, and his voice is hoarse with emotion. "I didn't need an audience. I will admit I had hoped it would just be you and me so I could tell you …"

He takes a breath and he can tell Olivia is listening to him. She is breathing fast as well.

"Tell me what?" she asks and her voice betrays her own jumbled emotions.

"Everything I told you this morning."

...

Olivia remembers. She remembers every single word of what he's told her this morning. His apologies. His admission that he'd been wrong, not contacting her for so long. That he's missed her. That he wants her.

"It's all true Liv," Elliot repeats. "I just left one thing out."

Olivia takes a step back and starts shaking her head. She knows what he's about to say and she isn't ready to hear it.

"You can't just walk out of my life when you feel like it, and then walk back in and just assume …" she starts, but Elliot cuts her off.

"I didn't _feel_ like leaving, Liv. I _had_ to. But I was always coming back. How could I not come back t …"

His voice breaks unexpectedly and he puts a hand over his eyes while taking a shaky breath. Her love for him overrides her own pain for the moment and Olivia steps closer to him, wanting to comfort him for some reason. She doesn't touch him but he drops his hand when he hears her speak to him.

"That's what I've been wondering. How could you not come back to me?"

"I was always coming back," he croaks out and her fingers are itching to touch him.

They are both hurting and it shouldn't be this difficult to close the distance between them. But she's still scared to death of the fire. She can feel it now. It burns between them, the flames already flaring up just because of how close they are standing to each other. The words are pushed from her lips before she can stop them.

"I'm scared."

"Of what? Me?" he asks her, his red rimmed eyes trained on hers.

She shakes her head.

"Never."

His hands reach for her but then he stops himself. She doesn't want him to stop. Her skin aches for his touch and she slips her hands into his before she can change her mind. She may be afraid of the fire but she isn't afraid of Elliot.

"Then what?"

"Us."

The single word comes out as a whisper and Olivia looks down at his chest. She doesn't think she's ever been this honest with Elliot before.

"Why?"

His thumbs are caressing the backs of her hands soothingly but there is despair in his voice, in his 'why'.

"Because of this," she answers, releasing one of his hands and gesturing between the two of them. "Because this is what we always do. We hurt each other."

...

She releases his other hand as well and he misses her touch instantly. He's surprised she has touched him at all but her words force him to focus on what she is saying.

"Maybe we do but we always find each other again, Liv. We have for years. And I believe we always will," he tells her.

"What if I don't believe that?"

Elliot closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. He forces himself to think before he speaks again. They need to have this conversation and Olivia doesn't need any more frustration from him now. He needs to convince her to give them a try.

"We're both strong-willed, I know that. But that's what's always made us such a great team, Liv."

"On the job."

"It's always been about more than just the job and you know it."

"Do I?"

She's challenging him again. They need to put all of their assumptions into words to take away all doubt about who and what they are to each other.

"It's always been about more than just the job for me," he tells her. "I thought you knew that."

"So did I," she says sadly. "Until you left."

"I already told you …" Elliot says, but he stops himself.

...

Olivia wonders why. They've never held back before so why start now? Elliot shakes his head and seems to be searching her eyes for clues on how to continue this complicated dance they've started. They aren't used to vocalizing all the things that have been brewing between them but she has to admit it's good to hear him say things out loud that she's wondered about for so long.

"Yeah. You already told me," she says, giving him some space so he can continue saying what he wants to say to her.

"I know we've said things to each other in the past," Ellios says. "About not choosing each other over the job. But we always did and we always would. You know that."

Olivia nods. He's right. It _has_ always been about more than just the job between them.

"I chose you over the job when I shot Jenna."

"What?"

There are fresh tears in his eyes and the raw pain she sees in his blue irises makes her heart go out to him.

"I aimed to kill."

She shakes her head vigorously, still defending her partner as always.

"No. No! It was a good shoot. IAB cleared you. You _had_ to shoot her."

"She'd just shot Sister Peg."

Olivia remembers. She'd been covered in the Sister's blood.

"That could have been you."

Suddenly it's not so hard to close the distance between them. Olivia steps forward and wraps her arms around Elliot's waist.

"It wasn't," she tells him firmly.

...

Elliot sinks into her embrace and clings to her for dear life. He never wants to let go again. He needs her. Everything he's done over the past months was for her. Getting his own place, finalizing his divorce, therapy. It was all so he could come back to her and give her everything she deserves. And in return, she will chase away the nightmares of the bloodbath that had lead to his retirement. And she will allow him to be the man he's always wanted to be. For her.

Olivia closes her eyes and breathes him in. His arms close around her like a vice and she feels whole.

This is what they do. They are a raging fire but as soon as one of them falters, the other one steps up to catch them. They are two equals but the instant one of them weakens, the other one is the strong one. They will never let each other fall. And if they ever do fall, they'll fall together. Maybe they are destined to fall together eventually and be swallowed by the fire. Maybe they will rise up as a phoenix from the ashes of their past. She needs to decide if she's willing to fall with him. If she's willing to burn with him. If there is even a life for her without him.

…

 **Reviews make me happy.**


	8. Chapter 8

**I believe some of you thought this story was completed after chapter 7. It was not. Olivia still hasn't made a choice yet. Or has she? I hope you will enjoy how I decided to wrap this up! This is the final chapter.**

...

8.

Elliot doesn't want to let go of Olivia. He knows moments like these are fleeting. The fact that she's holding him now, reassuring him that she is still very much alive, doesn't mean she won't turn around and stomp on his heart again. She's told him that this David was the first one to make her feel anything again, after his departure had left her numb. Both statements mean something and he can't know which one will be more important to her.

 _He_ had left her numb. That means he meant more to her than she had been willing to admit.

David made her feel again. That means he means something to her as well.

He may think that he knows her better and that he's known her longer, but it's not up to him. He can't force Olivia to choose him and break up with this other man.

But she's here and that means something too. When she stirs, Elliot loosens his grip on her a little bit and looks into her eyes. He sees conflict there. Concern. Despair almost.

"What Liv?" he asks her cautiously. "Talk to me."

"We'll hurt each other," she says sadly, repeating her earlier statement. "We always do."

Her hands are still on his waist and he holds on to her, needing to feel her close to him while they talk about these important things.

"I was hurting without you, too," he admits and he thinks that by some miracle, he has used exactly the right words to reach her because something breaks in her eyes and they fill with tears.

She tries to turn away but he holds on and she frowns. Then, she places her palms against his chest and applies pressure. Not a lot. She isn't shoving him away like before but he knows she needs him to let go of her. He complies reluctantly, dropping his arms but not stepping back. She doesn't step back either and just looks down.

"If I had known in advance it would take me this long to come back … I would have let you know Liv."

She lifts her eyes to meet his again.

"I didn't plan it like this and I don't want to mess up your life. I just …"

He shakes his head and looks at the wall behind her.

"You just what?" Olivia asks softly and he realizes she's hanging on his every word.

She's in as deep as he is.

"Remember when I told you, you and the job were all I had left?"

She nods and her eyes reflect the pain they had both been in in those moments.

"I've got nothing now."

…

Olivia feels him. She really does, and her heart aches at the memory of that day - that case. But at the end of the day, he still has his family. She just saw them, two of his five kids. _She's_ the one who has nothing. Always has been.

"You've got your kids," she tells him.

He nods slowly, not breaking eye contact with her. His stare is intense.

"You're right. They're my kids and always will be. They have no choice in the matter."

Unlike her.

It's as if he is trying to keep them linked by maintaining eye contact with her. She _does_ have a choice. She can leave and never come back. But if she does that, she'll never know. She'll never know what could have been or why it took him so long to come back to her at all.

She could settle for David, if he'll still have her after all this drama. But that's not why she's here. That's not why she had felt drawn to this place, an apartment she'd never set foot in before. She remembers why she's here but she'll be damned if she makes it easy for him.

"So what took you so long?"

Elliot takes a deep breath and she braces herself. This had better be good.

"It … was my therapist, actually."

Her eyebrows shoot up. She doesn't know what she had expected but this definitely wasn't it.

"Your therapist?"

…

Elliot swallows hard. He's getting warm and suddenly he wishes they weren't standing so close together. Despite the months of therapy, he still has trouble talking about his struggles. He takes a very small step back and looks away when he tells her,

"Diagnose was PTSD. Well, it _is_ actually. My therapist helped me create some order in the chaos inside my head, and in my life. Had to take care of things in the right order, he told me. Seeing you again too soon would be … detrimental to my recovery."

Olivia scoffs.

"You still could have let me know _something_."

"I know," he says immediately. "And I'm not trying to shift the blame. I was completely self-absorbed. That's the ugly truth."

He searches her eyes for a reaction and he is relieved to see that the look in her eyes has softened a little.

"Why would seeing me be detrimental to your recovery El?"

She speaks quietly and he can only interpret the look on her face as one that is yearning to understand. And possibly forgive. But he isn't sure if the rest of the ugly truth won't hurt her. He rubs his neck with a hand and glances at her before settling his eyes on her shoulder. Not her eyes.

"The shooting … my fear of Jenna killing you … it's all tied together. I had to come to terms with … with the depth of my feelings .. the lengths I'd go to, for you."

The last two words are barely more than a whisper and he takes a shaky breath. Putting it all out there doesn't come easy to him.

Olivia takes a step back as well and turns away from him. She doesn't go far but creates some distance between them. Her hand traces the backrest of his couch while she walks past it, seemingly deep in thought.

"I just let it happen, Liv," Elliot continues. "I let it all come out and it was exhausting. I'm still tired. I walked for hours. In Queens at first, and then here. I hardly slept. I still use medication for that. I didn't have the energy to face you but you were always on my mind. You were my end goal, so to speak."

That makes her look at him again but he can't read the look in her eyes at the moment.

"Have you made any progress?" she asks.

"I have. There was a lot to deal with. My childhood. My … father. My mother. My marriage. There was a lot of rage underneath. About the injustice of it all."

Olivia nods and he knows she knows what he's talking about. She's a victim of injustice herself.

"I had to learn to take charge of my life at last," he tells her. "And not just let it happen to me."

"Let what happen to you?" Olivia asks.

"Life."

She walks back up to him and tilts her head, asking him for an explanation without words. His therapy has really helped him put things into words, he thinks. And she's actually listening.

"Until now, I always let my circumstances decide for me what I should do."

She stares at him, unblinking.

"Not anymore, Liv," he says softly.

He looks down and reaches for her hand. She lets him take it.

"I will admit I'm scared shitless too," he tells her with a half smirk.

"It's much easier to just let your circumstances decide," Olivia acknowledges quietly.

"Yeah."

He nods and lifts his head to look at her.

"But that's not really living, is it?"

…

Olivia can't remember ever having such an honest conversation with Elliot before. He is doing most of the talking for now, and that in itself is new, too. She finds herself wanting to understand and decides that's a lot easier than she had expected. He is making sense and she understands how overwhelming it can be to let everything out that's been bottled up for ages. She is still afraid to let all of it go herself.

His fingers are warm around hers and she feels as if life is flowing back into her veins through her hand. She had been so cold without him.

"So. Therapy huh?" she says, one corner of her mouth tugging up.

Elliot shrugs.

"It works."

"Clearly."

"So taking charge of your life … what does that mean for you?" she asks him.

She thinks she knows, but she needs to hear it from him. Talking is underrated, she realizes. It's liberating to bring it all out in the open.

"I let go of my anger towards my father for the most part. And I forgave my mother. She can't help it that she's sick."

Olivia squeezes his hand. She knows these are big steps.

"I am trying to forgive myself," Elliot says and she can see the emotion in his eyes.

He hasn't forgiven himself completely yet but he's trying.

"For what?" she asks, standing closer to him and reaching for his other hand.

"For taking my issues out on other people. Kathy. You."

He swallows hard and looks past her at some point in the distance.

"I acknowledged that my heart wasn't in my marriage anymore. Maybe it never really was. Kathy accepted it surprisingly easily this time. I asked her to forgive me for wearing her down like that."

"What did she say?" Olivia whispers.

"We actually cried together," Elliot tells her, and he looks like he could cry again right now. "We always knew it wasn't working, but it took me acknowledging that I just couldn't pretend anymore for the dams to break. Turns out it was the same for her."

Olivia isn't sure how she should feel about that. She's always felt guilty for distracting Elliot from his marriage, even if she never intended to. And now he tells her Kathy had been pretending too?

"She's been on a few dates already," Elliot continues. "It's like she's finally free. I'm happy for her."

Elliot lets go of her hands and Olivia wonders what he's going to do. He moves his hands up her arms and settles them on her upper arms.

"And lastly … taking charge of my life meant admitting how I feel about you."

Her mouth goes dry instantly. She knew this was coming but it's still so different to hear him say it, with actual words.

"El," she sighs, still feeling the urge to retreat when he gets too close.

"I love you," Elliot says firmly and they both know there is nowhere left to run for her. She can't escape anymore because he's said it out loud.

Elliot lets go of her arms and she misses the contant instantly. His touch makes her feel alive and she knows she can't go back to David now. She can't go back to feeling numb without him. David had been sweet and it had been good not to be alone. To have someone interested in her. But he'll never give her life like Elliot does. Never make her yearn for his touch like Elliot does. If David walked out of her life right now, she wouldn't pine over him for months. She'd be over him in a few days.

"So there you have it," she hears Elliot say, and she realizes she hasn't responded to his declaration of love at all. She is just standing there, thinking. Feeling. _Knowing_.

Olivia opens her mouth to say something but the words just won't come out. Elliot can still read her like a book and knows what she's thinking. He steps closer to her again and cups her cheek with one hand. Olivia's eyes flutter closed and her entire body anticipates what's next. He is going to kiss her. He is going to kiss her and her lips can already feel it. He is going to kiss her and she wants him to. More than anything.

He is going to …

He kisses her.

…

He can't believe he is kissing her again. He hadn't expected it but he knows that their entire conversation has led up to this. There had never been another outcome. He is kissing her and she's kissing him back. She doesn't stop after a few seconds this time. Instead, her arms wrap tightly around him and he moans. He pushes her against the back of the couch and she presses her body tighter against his. He can't help it that his body responds strongly to hers but Olivia still doesn't stop. He is drinking her in and his right hand tangles in her long hair. She moans and her kisses are hungry and passionate. His left hand moves up from her waist until he hits the underside of her breast. Olivia gasps against his lips and he pauses, but she doesn't stop. She makes room for his hand between their bodies without breaking their intimate kiss and his hand moves over her breast automatically. She moans again and he groans, frustrated with they layers of clothing separating him from Olivia's skin.

When they finally come up for air, they are both panting and trembling. Elliot rests his forehead against Olivia's, his eyes closed. After a few moments he asks her,

"Liv. What does this mean?"

Olivia takes a deep breath and for a second he fears that she will retreat once more.

"El," she whispers.

"Yeah?"

"What if the fire incinerates us?"

"It won't."

"How can you be sure?"

"We know what we're getting into. We know each other better than anyone."

After a few seconds, Elliot opens his eyes to look at her. There are tears in her brown eyes again when she looks up at him.

"We do," she acknowledges.

"I've missed that, Liv. Having someone next to me who really knows me. The real me."

Her lips tremble and the tears are threatening to spill over her lower lashes, and then she admits,

"Me too."

She blinks and two tears run down her cheeks. Elliot moves his hands up to her cheeks to catch them with his thumbs.

"I'm here Liv. And I'm not going to leave you ever again. I'm taking control of my life and I choose you. Not because I have to but because I want to. Because I love you."

…

He is so, so spot on with his words again. Someone who really knows me. That's what she's been missing. Craving even. And she knows she could try with someone else, but the only man who has ever truly known her is right here, in her arms, baring his soul to her. He is choosing her. Not because he has to but because he wants to. He is putting it all on the line and she knows there is no way back. Not now. They will hurt each other like they have in the past. But they will catch each other, too, like they always have. The fire won't consume them. It will warm them and they will always come back to that warmth that nobody else can offer. Elliot is offering her exactly what she's always wanted and all she has to do it take it.

"I love you too."

The words fall from her lips before she can stop them and she lets out a shuddering breath. Full disclosure. Elliot closes his eyes and it's her turn to wipe his cheeks when a few tears manage to escape and run down his cheeks.

"Please stay," Elliot whispers.

Olivia smiles through her own tears when he opens his eyes to look at her.

"I will," she whispers back. "Where else would I go?"

...

 **THE END**

…

 **A/N: I had wanted to revisit David one more time at first, but as soon as I wrote this scene, I knew the story was complete. I hope you will agree with me! Thank you for reading this until the end. Your reviews are appreciated.**


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